[NPN] ashley's npn blog

[BIG ASHLEY]

thought i would do something to keep the forum's postcount up - in defiance of the current holiday - & this is hopefully less unpleasant than arhops's masturbation tracker from last year. also it might encourage me to keep journalling w some regularity (i do try from time to time...).

i shall record at least one vaguely amusing, interesting, or profound thing that happens to me on every day of npn. unless i forget or grow bored of the project lol. perhaps it will be interesting and enjoyable... perhaps it will not! we shall find out.

day 1
started the day off by watching rear window. a jolly good film - i really like the concept. spent some time pondering how to make a thread based around this idea of peering into other people's lives... i'm sure there's something in it. i've been watching a lot of hitchcock films recently (one of my courses is about them), & i think this is one of my favourites so far. might make a post in the cong film thread at the end of the semester.

not all fun and games, though; during the course of a lecture today, the lecturer played an extract from the abominable musical hamilton. and thus ends my 7-year (20-year, really) streak of having never experienced that Godforsaken show in any capacity. ho hum. it made sense in context (the lecture was about vernacular poetry, and hamilton evidently makes use of vernacular (if not poetry)) but was still a bit of a gutpunch...

there's some graffiti (or possibly some sort of official building-related spraypaint?) near the gym that looks a bit like a maisetober drawing. finally remembered to take a photo of it today... after the end of maisetober. we shall now see whether or not i remember to put it in the maisetober thread!

 

[Fishy]

 

[antemortem]

i’m interested in defying the societal expectations of no post november, so consider me a partner in crime to rewrting history

however i refuse to post until december to prove a point

hold the line xx

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 2
my god it has been absolutely pishing it down today. just huge sheets of rain. mercifully, i wasn't outside much. was exciting(?) sitting on the bus as great tsunamis pounded off the windows and the road, though. gave me an insight into what it would be like to sit in your mum's pussy when she sees me (weyyyy).

watched an interesting vid about how dogshit spotify's shuffle algorithm is. this is something i have complained about a great deal, so it is nice to see it made official and true by being uploaded to the internet proper. this is the vid if anyone is interested. i think her proposed solution is a bit complex and made my eyes glaze over a bit (personally i would not be a little bitch about a truly random shuffle. or even just weighting to favour less-played songs) but a good vid nonetheless. hopefully ian spotify watches it (or perhaps browses smogoff and sees this post?) and decides to fix the algorithm...

also i did some exercise or w/e ig

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 3
tried to edit the [npn] out of the title of this thread, but it seems to have reappeared. as with every other minor issue i have with this forum, i assume it's dave's fault. personally, i feel as though this isn't really an npn thread (going against the spirit of the thing as it does), but i've got bigger things on my mind. (ominous foreshadowing)

recently, i've finally gotten round to doing a proper watch-through of taskmaster, having already consumed great deals of it through various clips and compilations on youtube. (this is part of my long-form campaign to gain the attention of smogon user: caffeineboost.) tonight, it was the turn of series 4, episode 5: "meat". a strong episode, jolly funny, etc. etc.. most pressingly, however, was when i was watching the prize task and i realised that my face was getting rather warm. oh christ... surely not... oh dear. i seem to have developed a crush on hugh dennis.

now, i'm no stranger to thirstposting about middle-aged men (most notably bradley walsh, but others have had their time in the spotlight too - kevin mccloud off grand designs, for example), but there's always been a thick veil of irony about it. this time... it's more genuine.

so, there we are. it seems i have developed feelings for the guy off mock the week. the less bald of the two.

bollocks.

 

[Let's go shuckles]

day 3
bollocks.

I used to have a dog named Bollocks. I miss them :C

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

I used to have a dog named Bollocks. I miss them :C

it's a while away yet, but i shan't miss my bollocks when they go. weyyyy!!!*

day 4
had to get up at 5:50 am to go and exercise (standard practice on a friday morning. i just like to complain about it) and fuck me was it hard to get out of bed. it's so cold!!! was very tempted just to crawl back into my nice warm nest (bed) and sleep but the grind never stops!!!!!!!!

had to put my gloves on and everything. well, i didn't have to - there was no legal and/or ethical mandate, to my knowledge (this is shite patter i'm so sorry i am quite sleepy).

i think if it is going to be cold out then it should bloody well commit to it and snow, otherwise it's pointless. global warming can suck my dick**


*dm me if u want an explanation of this joke (it is not about a dead dog fyi)
**semi-callback to opening joke? dm me if u have an explanation for this joke

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 5
watched the holiday this evening (not related to my hitchcock course. i don't think he was involved in the making of it). jolly good film. plus it has the added bonus that every year i seem to forget what specifically happens in it lol. i didn't even remember that it stars kate winslet & jude law. lmao. not quite sure why it slides off my brain when i can remember specific details from, for example, the tigger movie (which, incidentally, if anyone's looking for a proper tearjerker film...) which i haven't watched anywhere near as recently. disappointed, as i am every year, to rediscover the fact that kate winslet's character works for the telegraph, which really makes her the villain of the piece (clever bit of satire for you).

so yea, this is further confirmation that i am pretty solidly in xmas mode now. didn't really do anything for guy fawkes night (apart from sitting and listening to the fireworks, roleplaying that i was living in america and they were gunshots (tee hee topical satire again)) and there aren't any other holidays of note until the end of december, so might as well be.

i hope santa brings me better patter. i feel the quality of my chat has somewhat slipped recently. failing that, he could always drop off some beers or something...

 

[Sijih]

i'm sorry to say this but if you're in xmas mode on nov 6 then you're part of the problem

we shall now see whether or not i remember to put it in the maisetober thread!

i'm waiting...

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

i'm sorry to say this but if you're in xmas mode on nov 6 then you're part of the problem

it was the 5th actually!

 

[Sijih]

it was the 5th actually!

if you’re watching christmas movies nearly 2 months in advance then the time of year clearly isn’t something that you care about

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 6
found myself wearing a woolly bunnet (en: hat) at rowing today. didn't end up being that cold but i think i looked quite cute (is that an americanism btw? feel like it might be) in it. even if it was the most shagged-out hat you have ever seen. what i really needed was a pair of sunglasses since the sun was sitting at the perfect angle to reflect off the water and blind me.

what this blog is highlighting to me so far is that i live a really exciting life. rock 'n' roll, babey!!

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 7
discovered a powerful new own today! i entrust it to the denizens of this forum in the hope that they respect its power and use it only when necessary: "by the croys which that seint eleyne fond,/i wolde i hadde thy coillons in myn hond/in stide of relikes or of seintuarie./lat kutte hem of, i wol thee helpe hem carie/they shul be shryned in an hogges toord!". geoffrey chaucer really knew how to drag a bitch!

a more modern translation has it as this: "by saint helena’s cross, from holy land,/i would i had your bollocks in my hand/instead of relics or some reliquary!/have them cut off, them i’ll help you carry/and they shall be enshrined in a hog’s turd!"

it's a goodun! the original context involves criticising a dude for creating fake religious relics & this threat is to transpose his testicles into a similar state. i think it has applications beyond that, though. how often do you get to invoke the True Cross in an online argument? bollock-bearers of the world beware...

other things that occurred today: spoke to a man on the phone (a rare occasion in this day & age), heard a builder singing backstreet's back, saw a woman who looked a bit like liz truss on princes street.

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 8
saw lots of exciting new pokemon leaks today. my favourite was this absolute lad. he makes me so happy.

other than this my day was mostly spent avoiding writing an essay. one would think, by now, that i had learned my lesson... but i think everyone knows by now that it'll be a night-before job every time. i have 3 due on 02/12, so not quite sure how that's going to work. could be a very long night...

the last-minute approach will surely be of great benefit next year when i have to write a million-word dissertation. what could possibly go wrong there?

my working (well, ykwim) day was bookended by two sightings of my old driving instructor. he sometimes drives past as i walk to the bus stop. i wonder if this makes him feel inadequate, that i have rejected the gift of knowledge he gave me...

probably not. he got plenty of money off me. he'll be fine.

 

[antemortem]

 

[Fancy1]

View attachment 463487

I love him more than I already did, thank you Dave for this gift

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

View attachment 463487

spoilers.......

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 9
had a dentist appointment today (no, no, don't leave yet - it gets a little more interesting). normally i would have bussed and the story probably wouldn't have tickled the blog but i had to run (translation: amicably stroll) back to the house to get a face mask (always read to the bottom of the text reminder, kids!) and missed it. so i was then faced with a challenge - complete a 40-minute walk (source: google maps) within 30 minutes or less. it was kind of like taskmaster, only a bit more shit and without hugh dennis (swoon) in it. did i manage? find out in the next exciting installment (ooh, look, more parentheses)!

or in this one. that works too. anyway i did some walking and i made it there in 35 minutes but that was fine because they were running behind schedule anyway (i don't know how bc my appointment lasted maybe two minutes tops) and the receptionist was friendly which is something of a rarity and can you tell that i'm already tired of telling this story can't you. got to listen to some more rhlstp (rhlstp!) on the walk at least so that was something.

perhaps most interestingly, i bussed home on a different bus company than usual (east coast buses, if anyone's keeping score - not dealing with mr. lothian on this occasion!) and i noted that the backs of the seats looked quite phallic, which amused me greatly.

other happening(s) today: think i may have given myself hand dysphoria. which is quite funny, really.

 

[antemortem]

without hugh dennis

unsubscribe

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 10
genuinely may have been the least productive day of my life. my target was easy(ish): do some readings for one of the many essays i have due startlingly soon. i wasn't even aiming to get any of it written. just the reading done. what actually happened was i spent all morning reading up every article about rowing that has been published by the guardian since about 2015. then i stopped for a lunch break that absolutely flew by and returned to battle stations to try and get something done. in pursuit of this aim, i activated the most severe setting on my funblocking app (restricting me to only microsoft word and uni-related websites) and spent the rest of the afternoon reading all of my previously-written essays. it wasn't even enjoyable but god forbid i do anything actually productive!!! makes me really excited for next year when i will presumably end up trying to write a 12k+ word dissertation the night before it is due.

anyway after the block unlocked and my office hours ended i flicked through a few pages of the sv leaks thread and saw possibly the coolest mon ever? so that was something at least...

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 11
i actually did a bit of work today! not as much as i might have liked, but i hit my absolute bare minimum target (finish reading sources & be in a position to start the essay) & knocked out about 300 words (a little over a paragraph) for a bonus.

this chaucer shit is so dense holy shit. the actual text itself is ok (at best) when u get used to the writing style (admittedly fairly impenetrable) but the secondary readings are just not the most enjoyable. i mean, no academic writing really is, tbf, but idk... not feeling it.

tomorrow will hopefully be a big day of working so i don't have to do anything on sunday.

realised it was rememberance day at about 7pm. i suppose i technically did a minute's silence by default (most of a day's silence, really). wasn't wearing a poppy at the time, though. nobody tell on me.

 

[Ullar]

im drunkand i think that you should love reading. cheeroing for your productivity, you deserve all the best. funny poster

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

im drunkand i think that you should love reading. cheeroing for your productivity, you deserve all the best. funny poster

i do love reading! just not all of this stuff.

thank you for your kind words!

 

[King Neodude]

day 3
oh dear. i seem to have developed a crush on hugh dennis.

bollocks.

Join the gang

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

day 12
did not get the essay finished, although i did get a good chunk done. have to finish it tomorrow. would have just kept going tonight but i'm too sleepy - maybe staying up until 4am watching todd play pokemon was a poor play? surely not...

incidentally, for anyone wanting to procrastinate an essay, a method i have been developing heavily today is calculating every possible number involved (e.g. what percentage of the word count can be taken up by a discussion of the prioress's tale (it's going to be p much exactly 1/3 (excluding intro & conclusion), incidentally)).

did not go outside at all today. i have begun to forget what grass even looks like, let alone feels like to the touch...