the passions

[ivar]

im unsure as to how popular this thread may be; in fact, i think it will be largely ignored or trolled or will attract posts of dubious relevance. im expecting faithful and articulate expressions of raw feeling, yet i know better than to expect that. most posts will be trivial, something along the lines of "yeah im not very popular in high school its a serious bummer".

but i feel inclined to post about the passions regardless--and by passions, i mean emotions. in this thread, i hope that smogoners will open up about their current emotional states, or more precisely the conflicting sentiments they must feel. and unless you are in perfect emotional harmony, you must be conflicted. you are free to relay stories about life experiences in order to articulate your feelings, but the former is not necessary for the latter. i expect much less but hope for honest confessions.

as for myself, i feel like my personality is divided because of the conflicting emotions i feel. on the one hand, i actively search for beauty in the world or the world beyond in the life of contemplation but i also feel this repulsive need to destroy. sometimes i feel compelled to protect others from harm for its own sake but at times i also feel the desire to enact retribution, if only to feel the rush of justice. an important aspect of my personality is aggressive, forthright, unsympathetic, but part of me is also caring. im not sure if im experiencing a rush of hormones--if it needs clarification, im 21 and, for the most part, done with puberty. or, am i just a twisted person?

so smogon, how do you feel?

 

[Manafii101]

Tired, lonely, uncertain and my hands are always cold. And I've got the flu. But mostly lonely. Sometimes all I want is someone who will watch the sunset with me. I'm a 16 year-old male, for context.

 

[TrOwLa]

i didnt know this was a dating site

 

[Ivysaur]

Man, if this thread gets taken as seriously as the "how you've grown" thread (which I think you made?) I actually have high expectations for it!

As for myself, I'd mostly say that since my knee-jerk reaction was "content" that I'm doing alright at the moment. It may or may not be because of the chemicals in my body but what the heck. I had a pretty decent summer, met a lot of new people, (temporary meetups or not, which were still a blast) had a lot of good times, made a lot of great memories. And since summer vacation is almost over, I've still definitely got to end it off with a bang. I've got a good semester of classes lined up for September, and after that I can finally return to my first, and preferred high school. Overall, my future isn't looking too bad.

I guess no matter how bright my future seems, there are always my unresolved past and present issues lurking beneath the surface. My longest standing problem would be probably be an array of self-esteem issues that haven't really been resolved since childhood. I've never had a lot of self-confidence and I actually resent a lot of things about myself, (little things like my smile and my height, bigger personality issues like my sense of humour) which is something you might not be able to tell from a first impression of me. I guess I try to counteract these issues by putting up an outgoing front. It works sometimes; I mean, once I get past my initial social anxieties I can be a pretty bubbly and normal person. It just takes time/personal experiance/shortcuts like drugs or alcohol to get me to "open up" (no sexual pun intended) and talk to you like a friend. It makes me feel insecure that I can't just be one of those charismatic people who can talk to anyone. but since being a teenager is a p emotional time, I know it's natural to be insecure about a lot of your emotions, so I know this is something I can get over with time.

maybe I'll post more when I don't feel like I'm dominating the thread, holy shit

 

[alamaster]

for a second i thought this was about the crappy soap opera of the same name...

anyways, I'm pretty lonely/bored cause I broke my foot while at work and it won't be fully healed till November, but my plan is to move to BC despite my parent's protests and get to school and such. I'm trying to stay motivated, wouldn't mind a gf but then I probably wouldn't be moving if I got one. I can be pretty outgoing when I feel like it and am usually the clown of the group. It's nice to make people laugh, to get that rush, kind of my drug of choice really. It takes a bit for me to open up, I've had people say shit behind my back and it sucks but meh. I think I'm doing ok but could always improve my social skills, and always trying to find myself. Emotionally I'm a pretty stable guy, I try to keep a positive outlook.

 

[v]

I'm gonna make the usual huge whiny Vader post so be forewarned

When I was younger, I used to have very little control of my emotions, anger in particular. I would become angry at the slightest of provocations and, due to being larger than most everyone else in my grade, somewhat dangerous and disruptive. I was disgruntled about my home life, as in second grade my mother took to locking me in basement (which was really not as bad as you'd think) and my father, having been laid off, took to drinking. I was in a bad place, so I was put into therapy.

It was usually group therapy, but occasionally I would have one-on-one sessions with the counselor. I was specifically taught not to show off whatever I was feeling at the time, and I was taught that facial expressions were linked to emotions. That is to say, if you frown then you will feel unhappy. You can try it yourself, it works. So, I was taught to 1) keep my face in a somewhat neutral state at all times and 2) to try and not get too emotional over things and, when I did, to conceal it. I started therapy at age 7 and ended at age 12, whereupon the psychiatrist decided that I no longer needed help managing my emotions.

For a number of years, this worked just fine. I was able to keep whatever I was feeling inside no problem. I kept my face neutralish and very rarely got into fights. However, after a while, the way I dealt with emotions changed. I no longer needed to repress what I felt, I just didn't feel it "as much." My emotional range became very muted some time around when I was 15. I could sum up my feelings as "angry," "not angry," and "having fun." And even then, "angry" was the only way that I felt very strongly. Then, I discovered the wonders of Marijuana.

When I smoked, suddenly a whole beautiful range of feelings was opened to me. Happiness, sadness, nervousness, annoyance. I loved it. I couldn't get enough of it. I could smile sincerely, cry with gusto, really feel. I began a downward spiral, smoking/vaping/what have you more and more often until I did it every hour or every day that I was able to. Really having a full range of emotion was so overwhelming that I couldn't let it go, not willingly.

I got caught smoking a few weeks ago, and I am pretty much back to having an extremely muted range of feelings, since I have not smoked since. I feel nervous more often now, which is good. Making eggs makes me feel accomplished too. Sorry if I am rambly but I have had some tequila and scotch which is why I am comfortable making this post, irl I am very closed-off and cold emotionally so just like give me a break or something sorry...............drinking and other drugs and also when I had dreams I feel strong emotions too. Very, very significant things happening irl sometimes make me have strong feelings but generally I would describe my emotional state as "nothing" as weird as that sounds.

I will post a sober followup probably

 

[Eraddd]

I'm in my post exam mode at the moment; my mind keeps trying to occupy me with things to do, but the fact that I have no more exams makes me twitchy and unsettled as fuck right now. I did everything that I could occupy myself today: I went on a run, went and did push ups, sit ups, chin ups and other exercises, went on Steam and played a few games, surfed the internet, surfed Wikipedia, began watching Game of Thrones, and watched Rise of the Planet of Apes with my parents (which was a terrible movie). It's 1 am, and like the twitchy fuck I am, I cannot sleep.

Being post exam mode, I'm still pretty stressed out. I received my grade for one of my courses which was on par with what I had expected (I did well in that class, so it wasn't a real surprise). However, I'm still waiting on my Calculus and Chemistry course mark, making me nervous as hell. Calculus III was the only exam I stayed the entire full exam period for, being so unexpectedly hard. Chemistry was better, but with my not so high midterm and lab marks (I dick around in labs alot), I'm still nervous.

Looking back in my high school years, I was a typical angsty smart ass and socially awkward kid. I was the really smart, socially oblivious and the kid who would sometimes say too little, or too much depending on the context. Like most high school kids that age, I went through my own spouts of drama, dabbling with crushes and "betrayals" (which were petty as fuck when I look back at them). I'm pretty sure my posts on this forum reflect this state of emotions to some degree.

What's weird emotionally is that I keep 3 different personas in my life: my school/casual/friend self, where I'm usually one of the top students, and have regular friends (I guess? It gets slightly complicated), my religious life, where I'm expected to be a rather pious person, and my online life, which is me frequently one channel with a group of friends and of course, Smogon. It gets weirder as my groups of friends also diverge; I have 4 different sets (I feel terrible grouping them =/) of friends that I hang out with, and of course, the way I act is different around them. I keep them all separate, and the notion of combining them to any degree makes me uncomfortable as hell. Of course, they've all started to converge to a very small degree. For example, one online friend I've met went to my high school 2 years ago, in the same program. My friends who creep facebook like no other, have also asked me about these "randoms" on my friends list. For the time being however, I'd like to keep them as separate as I can. I don't know, this really isn't about emotions, but my state of mind varies from the "persona" I choose to adopt.

 

[Xaqwais]

My life is great and I really need to be more thankful for it.

I've been spoiled in life. My family is amazing. My mom is the best and I don't deserve her as a son and I'm terrible to her compared to what she deserves. My dad is great and really tries his best. My brothers really influenced me for the better in life and really look out with me. No one close to me has ever died, I've never really dealt with that loss. Family and friends really make my life.

I do have my problems in life, it's not allllll sunshine and flowers. I have addictions that, while some people wouldn't consider them addictions (I've never tried any drug or alcohol), I would rather not have in my life and am having a hard time trying to kill them off. Other things I'd love to improve in my life are my lack of any weight on my body and some other stuff. I missed about 2/3s of my last year of high school with some migraine problems but I learned to deal with it.

But with such amazing blessings I need to do my best to keep my esteem high 'cause it'd be really dumb of me to not count my blessings when they really should overwhelm me. I used to be reaaally angsty in middle school, and while near everyone was, I'm really glad I'm past that phase.

But yeah, tl;dr is that my life is good and I'm a spoiled brat, so I'ma try my best to at least be thankful for it all. Also sorry for rambling, I feel strongly but I never really verbalize them.

 

[jumpluff]

I am conflicted between happiness and a slight unsettling anxiety. I'm sorry for the big whiny post coming up but:

If you saw my post in the how you've grown thread you know I've gone through a lot lately but also managed to become happy. I went off my antidepressants recently and it was deemed a success. I'm consistently happy for the first time in seven years, which was when I was 10 and even though I had a shitty childhood I was kind of self-contained. Even more so than now, I lived in books to escape my circumstances.

Lately I feel like I'm still self-contained though, like I'm happy as a person as long as I forget about my family, but whenever I think about my situation, I just feel a sort of horror that feels slightly like that same old despair (angst) creeping back up on me. In one sense, having a brain tumour and surviving it pushed me out of depression. In another sense, my resulting bad health means that I'm stuck here at home for a good while yet. Probably at least a year. More maybe if my follow-up scan in January reveals it's growing back, since I'll need radiotherapy. I'm just seventeen; I don't need to worry about my life flying me by. I'm in university and working towards a career I believe I will find fulfilling, so I'm not worried that I'll be 40 and still at home. I wrote a big long wall of text to describe my situation but I decided to just sum it up as 'past psychological and physical abuse, constant fighting, financial struggles, watching current abuse by my father to my mother and brother, watching my brother fight back, tension and anxiety and stress'. The other day my brother was yelling at me and calling me horrible things for not hearing him properly, maybe he forgot that my tumour left me half-deaf because honestly most of the time I do too because I hear things pretty well as long as I have my good ear turned towards the source of noise (I just can't identify where sound comes from anymore), but it made me sad and I cried because I'm weak and oversensitive and I cry easily, even though I used to cry every day and I've barely cried since the night I found out I was dying from a brain tumour and needed surgery.

So, yes, when I think about this, it's all I can do to hold on, for when I'm able to move into university, the thought that I've clung onto desperately for years and years now. I know life won't be perfect when I leave; most likely it will be hard, since I was raised in an incredibly sheltered manner; still, I'll be away from this. But other than that I'm happy and doing better than I have done in over half a decade. Yesterday I went out shopping and didn't even use my walker. I nearly fell over and I should still be using it but it felt nice to be walking unassisted further than out to the living room.

 

[NatGeo]

Ok, I'm going to try and make a long post but its too early in the morning for that kind of stuff.

Right now I'm tired having woken up early and using said spare time to go on here - when I'm on smogon I tend to be a happy person, but usually that's at the cost of me being in a slightly angry mood whenever my family has to pull me off and do things around the house. I don't know why, but I think it's because i've actually known many people on this site than I do now irl considering I moved in March.

I don't tend to let my emotions show, or at least my negative emotions. I either tend to be happy (which can get me heady and make me do stupid things), or indifferent - I usually have to be indifferent when something happens at the house, a conflict or sadness. Last night my Mom started crying because I was pacing upstairs waiting for my sister to get out of the bathroom we have to share and nobody realized that the downstairs kitchen needed some cleaning up. I was, not surprisingly, the only person in that house that night who wasn't sad - I was cold, and for some reason i didn't want to feel indifferent, I wanted to be a sad sack just like everyone else was, particularly my mother, who luckily doesn't pass out on the couch with a half empty cup of vodka in her hand anymore.

Most of the time however I'm happy, especially if I'm with friends or family, because i tend to be a sociable person, I've kinda come out of my shell in the past couple of years. I used to be withdrawn, staying home whenever I could watching TV and playing video games. I guess growing up does that to you - You become more of a social person.

Jumpluff, every time I hear what happened to you and what is happening to you right now, I feel sad that someone like you just has to go through all that painful shit in our life, nobody should have to go through that because its horrible. Just horrible. I honestly hope you keep on getting better and better and better, and it's glad to hear that you can walk a bit unassisted! Hoping for the best.

 

[bearsfan092]

Right now, I've got a typical "going to college" problem. On one hand, I'm really excited to head off to my university and start a more independent life. On the other hand, that means I had to break up with my girlfriend. There will be 600 miles between us, so it's not like the distance is surmountable.

The conflict in my head is whether to engage in the long-distance relationship. Take emotions out of it, and I say "aw hell naw". However, my feelings say "maybe...?" I ended up talking to her on the phone yesterday, and it sounds like she's having fun. I can't end up chaining her down like that though. As such, I've gotta let her go. If we drift back together at some point, so be it, but I'm not betting on it.

 

[Iamslow]

Kinda depressed right now. I'm 20 and realize I need to get a job and drive and shit but I'm kinda fucked up in the head and I have a violent, explosive temper to boot. I figure I should keep myself out of things like that until I get myself under control, but I'm really getting bored with my daily routine.

I really don't know why I get so mad, Overall I can't say I've had a bad life so far without feeling silly, even though I got hit with a lot of terrible things in the past that really get me down sometimes.

Another thing I'm feeling pretty shitty about is that I recently discovered that I'm really good at writing, but I hate it. That's right. I hate using the best talent I have at my disposal; the one that could potentially open a few doors for me. Unfortunately I have such a short attention span that words don't do much to keep me focused, regardless of weather I'm writing or reading.

In conclusion, it's not all so bad and I'm probably going to be alright, but the last 2, 3 years of my life have been especially depressing.

 

[Myzozoa]

I'm naturally slightly happy person, even when bad things happen to me, or I don't succeed when I want to, I still feel okay. Despite being a happy person, I tend to feel quite a bit of anxiety, though I get better at overcoming it everyday. I have great sense of self, and I actively seek to improve the areas of my personality that I don't like.

As for my personality, I come off as distant or even cold. Once people know me a little better they find that its true that I am a distant person and somewhat self-absorbed. But I'm good at making people laugh, and I can talk about literally nothing for hours, its almost an art-form for me. I wouldn't say I'm good at 'small talk', but I am excellent at just shooting bullshit.

I tend to make really close friendships, though relatively few of these. I have 4 or 5 people who I trust with more than my life. I make less close friendships with their friends (lol), and we have fun together.

My family sucks, my immediate family that is, my extended family are really good people, even the libertarians. Its crazy to me, I look around and all the families are functional except mine, lol. For the longest time, when I was in high school, I wanted to go to college for the sole reason of never having to go home again. I always wonder whether Ive somehow been screwed up by my family life, and I expect I have. My brother came out okay, and my sister came out really severely screwed up, but I think Im just slightly screwed up.

I have a good bit of savings and inheritance from my grandparents, I usually work 'odd' jobs around santa cruz. Cleaning and gardening jobs that type of thing, while I go to school. These jobs always sound shitty but they're actually really decent because you essentially just plug in your ipod with an audiobook and you're pretty entertained. Its always amazing to see how ignorant people are of the power of bleach. I estimate that bleach has earned me over $2,000 in my time at Santa Cruz. I've also done work at food co-ops and random coffee shops (these jobs suck not recommended).

 

[JarardoMartino]

As a child, I had anger management. Apparently, I had terrible tantrums and even threw a desk once. I hardly remember those incidents or what provoked me. I guess it was because I had a hard time trying comprehend certain things that to me, didn't make sense. A professional was very helpful in my channeling of my rage. People who know me today never would have guessed that I had those problems.

Freshman year of high school, I had my first bout with depression. generic girl rejection style. Myself esteem was super low even though it had now reason to be. Other professionals helped me through it. The one thing that stuck to me was how this one doc described depression in the brain. I think it was mainly because he had a funny accent. It was something along the lines of "Your brain has trenches. Like goats making trenches in a field. When your mind gets stuck thinking depressed thoughts, it stays in these ruts. The trick is to get out of these trenches and move on with your life" I think i butchered his lines but you get the idea. Depression was never really a problem anymore. There were times I felt like going back to it but my body kept rejecting it because it knew there were no benefits in moping around.

Happiness is always important in my life. I like to make other people happy through jokes and drawings and it in turn makes me happy. Although it can be troublesome because the less close friends are less likely to partake in serious conversation. Or that's what I think. There were even times I felt expected to be the "funny guy" all the time. But i'm putting an end to that cycle. I'm not giving up making people happy, it's just there's more to human interaction than making them laugh.

Affairs of the heart are very complicated. It's something I don't really think about but it's also always on my mind. Everyone's looking for that missing puzzle piece I guess. Hopefully this girl I'm seeing will be that piece.

 

[Midnight Show]

The conflict in my head is whether to engage in the long-distance relationship.

I went through the same thing this past school year, my first year of college. I had been dating this girl since February 2007. I decided to commute to college but she wanted to live away from home, so we ended up at different schools. We tried to maintain our relationship, but I was so busy during the year I only got to visit her once. I also don't have my license, which made it a lot harder. She also changed throughout the year. It's hard to put my finger on specifics, but she just seemed different. She came back this summer and said she didn't want to stay together, and that she didn't want to be with just one person her whole life and miss out on experiencing other relationships. She said she did love me, and could see herself with me in the future. Part of me understands, but part of me feels betrayed. One of the major reasons I was working so hard in college was to secure a good future for the both of us, but she doesn't really understand that and isn't looking that far into the future. We've put effort into staying in touch and hanging out, but it feels weird.

tl;dr: You probably did the right thing by breaking up, bearsfan.

The only major worry looming over me now is getting my license. Being nineteen, most of my friends have had theirs for years, but driving terrifies me. I nearly hyperventilate when I get behind the wheel and I sweat through my shirt. My permit expired, and I failed the test when I went to get another one. At thirty dollars a pop, this is very annoying and discouraging. My driving instructors told me I wasn't very good at driving and not to come back until I was better, which seemed unprofessional and unsupportive, especially when I was paying them like $700... I just gave up for a while. Everyone I know is starting to heckle me about it, and I know it's important to get, but driving is just not my thing right now. Thinking about it puts me into a bad mood almost instantly. I just feel like this is the final weight on my shoulders, the final source of stress, and that I just want it to go away. I'm studying for my permit again, and hopefully I can get it before the summer is over.

I'm going back to college in a few weeks. I've never been this excited to go back to school. I maintained a 4.0 GPA last year and was finally getting recognized for my work. My professors took an interest in me, started lending me books, nominating me for councils, including me in some of their projects, etc. It felt awesome and made all the hours of studying worth it.

I have acclimated to the academic part of college, but now I need to acclimate to the social part. I made one good friend last year, but he graduated. I've always been socially awkward and nervous, and I always hear people say it gets better in college, but I'm starting to wonder if it will ever happen for me. I’m fine in the classroom or working in a group on a project. I actually enjoy giving presentations in front of a group and have done well in Public Speaking and Rhetoric at school. It’s one-on-one or small social groups that make me nervous. I’m aloof, have a weird sense of humor, and have very little self-confidence. I’m afraid people think I’m conceited or standoffish, when I’m really just awkward.

All I really want are a couple of good friends. I'm practically invisible as a commuter, even though I try to stay involved on campus. I wish I could find some people irl who were interested in what I really like--reading, writing, Pokémon, etc. I tried writing for the school newspaper, but they didn't seem very welcoming and I decided I don't like journalism that much. I'm going to try to join English Club this year.

I’m so thankful that I’m on good terms with my parents. Most people can’t wait to move back to college to escape their parents, but I’m happy at home. I don’t have the urge to leave yet. It’s not that I intend to live at home into my thirties or anything like that, but I appreciate my family’s company and like having their support.

 

[Texas Cloverleaf]

In genereal I have pretty solid control over my emotions, when I swing too far to a particular side i'm able to balance myself out through the use of music.

I'm a bit conflicted at the moment though. There is a girl I'm kinda-sorta together with right now. I really care for her and I want her to be a part of my life. She's just come out of a 2-year relationship with her ex but he still wants to be with her and she is finding it difficult to let go, as she forged huge attachments with him and his family.

Both of of us want our relationship to work, we both feel something that could grow, and we both feel right when we're together. A big issue between us however is distance. I live in Toronto and she lives in Uxbridge so we're about 90 minutes apart which wouldn't be thaaat much of an issue once I obtain my G2 except that she works on weekends making it difficult to find times to be together. For the present we can see each other on weekends as we both have trailers in Haliburton but when school starts its going to be difficult to juggle school, work and being with each other.

I'm conflicted with how to proceed. I'm committted to finding ways to making this work for us, ideally 2 years from now we'd move in together when we both finish school, but we're conflicted about the logistics, of wheter its possible to sustain a relationship despite the distance and the infrequency of our meetings.

So basically I''m just very conflicted right now, worrying about if we can be together and what is going to happen between her and her ex.

 

[Soul-dew]

Eh right now I'm happy, stressed, and anxious all in one!

Boyfriend broke up with me because he couldn't take the distance anymore (we were an hour's drive apart...) But it was amicable and we're still really good friends. So I'm happy that it ended well but still kinda sad it's actually over. Stressed because I'm starting sophomore year (college) in two-ish weeks. I always get stressed when a new school year starts ._. but I'm super excited/anxious to see friends and start new classes.

 

[v]

ok sober vadre here saying I am a stable and well-adjusted individual today

 

[comatthew6]

OK - time to start getting my feelings laid out on the table. When I was growing up, especially in Junior High, my temper was incredibly short, and I'd get pissed off on the slightest things that people said. I am an NE Patriots fan but live in New Jersey, so I was ridiculed every second of every day for the next week or so after the Giants won the Super Bown, but it went down after that. Sometimes I would just go to the bathroom, sit down in the stall, and cry for a couple of minutes knowing good and well that a majority of the people that I went to school with would tease me whenever they got the chance. But it wasn't just a fricking football game that had them get to me, it was everything - every single test under 100, every time I didn't catch the football in gym class, whenever I did something wrong, someone was there to make fun of me. It kept picking at me and picking at me all throughout junior high.

I'm not going to hide this but I've contemplated suicide many times. I've laid awake at night thinking to myself, "you're useless. Why do you even bother living knowing that you're a liability to your family and your friends." I've probably thought this at least a couple of dozen times throughout my sojourn at junior high. Sometimes I remember crying myself to sleep thinking that I was a failure and nobody wanted me. I've never actually tried to commit suicide, and for that I considered myself a pussy and fell into a worse level of depression.

High School was better though. The classes were determined by ability, not a random selection. I was actually with my friends and not with the idiots that were constantly ridiculing me, and I actually began to have fun. I like to believe that I've come around 180 degrees and am actually happy, with Smogon playing a very important role. I actually have made a bunch of friends here and I absolutely love this forum; I was a fool for even thinking of quitting last June.

EDIT: not much to say about relationships; think I'm better off alone just by looking back and analyzing what went wrong; I have a problem opening up to people face-to-face. There's absolutely no way I could say this if all of you guys reading this were watching me.

 

[Bad Ass]

I want to say that I dislike what I am. I am really happy-go-lucky, witty, and not shitty around people, but when I'm alone I feel so terrible. On the inside I'm a quiet, introspective guy, but I can't bring myself to be real. It feels so bad to be something that you are not. It might be something to do with my mother; I was not really like this before. I mean, I was a little bit, but it didn't bother me much, if at all. I've just been feeling really insignificant, I guess. And when I go off to college I don't want to be the bumfuck loser who just stays in his dorm all the time. I don't even go out now. I'd rather be alone. I guess it's because of where I live, the people here don't share morals, ideas, etc. with me, so I can't form a real friendship.

That's how I feel.

 

[Zacchaeus]

I'd like to open up like many of you have, but I'm not sure I know how. I'll just type and hope for the best.

I get mad very easily and if I ever don't calm myself down, there is some consequence waiting, and I have a feeling these situations will only get worse as time progresses. I have what I think of as a "shell". I'm actually really emotional but I put that aside years ago and now I conceal everything to the best of my ability. That's where my problem of opening up comes from. I spend a lot of time by myself, and that's because I don't have a best friend, or any really close friends for that matter. There is always some problem that forces us apart, or another decision I must make that will make our friendship fade away. For example, in taking up the label of Straight Edge I've certainly missed out on lots of friendships and parties and all that jazz, but I haven't considered breaking Edge a single time. It's like, even though things seem like they could be different, often for the better, (or at least more enjoyable or what have you,) I just don't do anything about it. That's probably because I am really adamant in my beliefs, and getting me to change one of those will take a huge effort.

Relationships suck. Over half of marriages end in a divorce now, and that doesn't even include how many failed relationships you are likely to have before marriage, if you even get the chance to marry. I can't see myself being in a commited relationship headed towards marriage (again). When I say that, I don't mean "I can't go that long without hooking up with multiple women", I mean "Every single relationship has problems, and I highly doubt that I could ever find a relationship in which the magnitude of those problems would be slim enough for us to get married".

If I wasn't a Christian, and thus having a purpose in life, I wouldn't be here. This world is a horrible place, these people are wretched things in nature, and I'm trapped here, one of the few people willing to admit how bad everything is. But I'll try and live out my life to the best I can, and help people along the way to make this world as less shitty as possible, but since I'm only one person, that won't happen. Which brings me to think about how I am a realist (as opposed to a pessimist which so many people consider me to be). I hate it. I wish I could be somebody important, or at least convince myself that it's possible, but I think that optimism is a poison, and while it could make me happier at some points in my life, it would hurt me more than it would help. I see it as: The realist is never disappointed, but can have a good outcome. The optimist gets let down when they need encouragement the most, which could spiral into depression or worse. The pessimist cloud never has a silver lining, so that's like constant depression.

So I will sit here and play Pokémon, just to pretend that all I have to worry about in the world is damage outputs, predictions, and probability

Wow this actually made me really emotional and reflect on my life, I guess thanks ivar

 

[versailles]

my sister turned 18 recently; she revealed she was pregnant for the second time in several years. she and her boyfriend are the two most irresponsible, incompetent people i'm acquainted with. he is illiterate, physically and emotionally abusive toward her, suffers from ADHD (and possibly bipolarity) and comes from a background of neglect and exposure to casual hard drug use/dealing. she can't stop going back to him, even after several years of being threatened, tossed aside and picked back up at his discretion, cheated on, beaten up, et cetera. i have grown very distant from her over the past few years; she changed more than i was willing to accustom myself to over time, and right now, i don't pity her at all. her selfish outlook on life and her spitefulness toward anyone who does not let her have her own way, grouped with several other horrible flaws in her personality and attitude, have caused me to feel entirely disconnected from her. i am only one year older than her, and the two of us used to be inseparable as sisters... but now, fuck, i don't know her anymore.

the first time she was pregnant, a few years ago, she was far too young, too immature and too naive to EVER be able to accept responsibility for something of as much magnitude as having a child; she herself recognised this and obliged to having the child aborted. my dad was very forceful about this, which, at the time, i found to be half-understandable (because it could not have been stressed enough how BAD an idea it was for her to keep the child), but almost a little concerning. he gave her literally no say and was almost threatening in ordering her to abort the child. it was then revealed to me at the end of last year that my dad was the exact same way with my mother throughout FOUR pregnancies prior to my conception, forcing her into every single one of them. my mother passed away nearly four years ago and never told me of this, which i can't help but view with some frustration...

now, at 18, i don't believe she is any more mature, but i do believe she has developed a sense of gross independency, and while at this time it seems likely that she's going to get another abortion that she will probably have to pay for her with her own money (and to summarise my views on this: never would i attempt to take away somebody's right to have a child, especially since now she is 18 and more and more decisions become ones she will have to make on her own with increased frequency, but i REALLY HOPE she does not keep the child because of the reasons mentioned above... i see this child as nothing but doomed; they cannot even raise a dog together, they have pawned it off on this household with little regard for it because they are both irresponsible), i am absolutely terrified she might have some moment of false enlightenment and decide that she actually wants to keep it... and the more i think about this, the more anxious i feel about it.

anyway, there's a lot more that i wanted to say but my train of thought completely vanished halfway through constructing this post. tl;dr my emotions regarding my sister's pregnancy: anger, anxiety, fear

apart from that, classes suck, i'm insecure, i'm unmotivated and i'm really lonely (slightly contradicted by the fact that i just want to get the fuck away from my high school friends and the perpetual drama that accompanies them).

so...yeah. time to put on that cheerful face! (& thanks for reading or whatever lol)

 

[Yeti]

The only major worry looming over me now is getting my license. Being nineteen, most of my friends have had theirs for years, but driving terrifies me. I nearly hyperventilate when I get behind the wheel and I sweat through my shirt. My permit expired, and I failed the test when I went to get another one. At thirty dollars a pop, this is very annoying and discouraging. My driving instructors told me I wasn't very good at driving and not to come back until I was better, which seemed unprofessional and unsupportive, especially when I was paying them like $700... I just gave up for a while. Everyone I know is starting to heckle me about it, and I know it's important to get, but driving is just not my thing right now. Thinking about it puts me into a bad mood almost instantly. I just feel like this is the final weight on my shoulders, the final source of stress, and that I just want it to go away. I'm studying for my permit again, and hopefully I can get it before the summer is over.

Honestly bro you can get pretty much everywhere you need via the bus/public transportation system, depends on where you live of course but in any large city and its satellites/suburbs you will have a solid public system, pay the $, get the rides. Or mooch rides off your friends and ask them to pick you up, etc.
It isn't a requirement to drive though it is very useful, it also means $$$ for gas and licensing and tabs and insurance, etc.

Basically don't rush yourself into being confident about driving, take it slowly and build up. Some people really cannot handle the roads, and some degenerates think they can but legitimately cannot drive which is just a hazard to freakin everyone. It's almost daily I see someone pull some stupid stunt that could easily wind up in a gnarly accident, as I drive to the park & rides to bus in to college (parking at my uni is ridiculous and we get good deals on the bus system).

I wish I could tell you it's really not that bad and a piece of cake.. YOU doing the driving is easy, you just turn the wheel, hold the speed steady, look out for the lights. Unfortunately you have mass quantities of utter morons who are horrid drivers that you always need to be watching for.

Ride the bus until you feel confident in driving, just be out there on the roads getting used to riding, sit in the front perhaps so you feel more 'in charge' of how the ride goes.
Perhaps if your family or a close friend has an SUV that's off-road safe and there is a series of back roads where off-roading in an SUV is acceptable and you aren't likely to get caught without a valid permit/license you could go and practice on your own without the fear of other cars until you feel confident behind the wheel.

tl;dr don't get pressured into it just go at your own pace some people never need cars (high density city dwellers in apartment complexes with minimal parking or ridiculous fees).

katya your sister is an utter moron i wish i could punch her for being so stupid, it still shocks me you're related.. she's everything that could've gone wrong in your life.

As for me, I just finished my first year of college, officially (the summer art grade has to be put in but classwise, I'm done). My childhood is gone ?_? and it's sort of concerning to know my time for beating around the bush with my major is shortly closing.. one more year and I HAVE TO declare. I have something strongly in mind right now but it's a useless degree if I don't make it in the field and it's a pretty hard field to be successful in or at least hold a steady job with how the industry dicks around (television writing/production). Creative Writing/Cinema Studies.. lol what do you even DO with that double major (degree? i forget) if you flop at it??

The classes I have for fall are relevant to both and requirements to get into the majors so we'll see how that goes, if I enjoy the classes or realize this is deluded. I really feel called to do this though so I'm optimistic, but still wondering what happened to just being like my parents and working a well-paying computer sciences/programming job with good benefits and stability or getting a sciency degree and doing research or something. I have always loved art and writing and being creative but to actually commit to that as a career instead of a hobby, with how fickle and difficult the industry is.. oi.

Just playing it by ear though, seeing how fall quarter goes and if I am really a fan of writing and film. I don't want to be an actor, not that I could, just the creative force behind the shows. So I'm pretty chill right now, there's no point in stressing about it. In fact I'm almost complacent to a fault usually, it takes a lot to really get me anxious about something, and like physically anxious and all trippy about it, I get concerned about deadlines and accuracy and stuff but whatever man what's gonna go down goes down. x]

 

[dak]

i'm not usually the kind of person that would post in this kind of thread but i support the idea it stands for and as a couple of friends did the same thing thus far, i figured it would only be fair to give people similar insights about my persona, much of which isn't very apparent if you only know my behaviour on the internet.

i've had a carefree home life with a relatively big family; i have three other silblings and am the youngest, the third son, at age 20. my silblings are much older than me, 31, 30, 28 and then me. we get along fine mostly, though because of the age difference there is not much of a connection between me and them; they all moved out when i was still a kid, too. I feel more like an only-child than part of a big family, really. i get along fine with my father, but tend to argue with my mother about minor things a lot; i think that is pretty normal, though.

i have always been a very solitary person, not much of a social one either. self-confidence has always been some kind of problem for me, never really thought i was that great a person, doubted i was likeable at all at times and am not a big fan of my outward appearance. just kind of insecure about stuff like that in general. i'm a very emotional person on the inside but i developed a tough exterior relatively early on. i'm a bit of a joker but also appear to be apathetic at times, though in reality i care more than i let on about a lot of things and that can be surprising for people that only knew the one, tough, side of myself.

don't have much of a problem dealing with people, but have trouble getting close to them. once i do and really open up, i am fiercly loyal and try to be a great and reliable friend. got some trust issues though, even though i know people are my friends, i sometimes end up doubting their intentions for no particular reason. it's not healthy.

never had a large amount of friends and merely tolerated most of my acquaintences; mostly kept to myself throughout my life starting in my early teens. there have been exceptions but even with those i barely have anything to do anymore, people grow up and branch into different directions and circles; compatibility amongst other detoriates and at one point i just lost interest.

never quite knew what to do with myself, either. kept hearing i have potential, never really cared and didn't put much effort into education at all, ended up finishing school with roughly above average grades. beause i live in germany, i was going to be conscripted for 6 months, however because of terrible administration i ended up being shoved back and back till the country decided to indefinitely halt conscription – great waste of over a year. spent most of the time here on the internet. probably not the best decision but i didn't feel like i had much of a choice. probably should have gotten a job, but oh well, what is done is done.

still have no idea what i want to do with my life at this point. in germany, you have to declare your major for university before you even start and as i am a terrible decision maker that always likes to keep his options open, that drove me right into a dead end here – i had to make a decision and there was nothing i was passionate enough about to dedicate my entire professional life to. i ended up picking computer science. it's not a perfect fit but it is something i feel i can be good at and have a mild interest, while also paying the bills. i'm scared that it might have been the wrong decision, but i won't be able to see that till i start in two months. let's hope for the best. i'm not all too optimistic to be honest, but that is just the way i am in most situations. i'm scared that the same apathy and lack of motivation that i had in school will carry on to university and the rest of my life and that i will end up a failure because of that.

but as a lot of other things that weigh on my mind, i don't think about them all too much and distract myself with mundane stuff instead of actually tackling the problem. i guess that is something a lot of people do, but that is not a good trait in either case.

while we are at it, like midnight snow, i am kind of scared of getting my license. for me, it always felt like a huge responsibility because i was always afraid of putting other people in danger or possibly kill them just because of one single second of carelessness or rashness. as a result, i haven't even attempted to do it thus far. hasn't had a lot of impact on my life thus far, though, because i wouldn't have access to a car anyway. it doesn't concern me a lot though because i won't be needing to drive until i finished university.

tl;dr: there is no major problem in my life, i'm just a bit insecure and lonely, worry about a lot of things and am not as tough as i appear to be at times

wow, that post was much longer than i expected it to be, my apologies. felt good to get my story out there, even though it is not remotely as interesting as the ones of some other posters here. thanks for reading if you did!

 

[monkfish]

dak i can relate to a lot of your post from when i was just about to go to uni - didnt really know what i wanted to do, picked computer science, wasnt really very sociable or self-confident, didnt want the responsibility of driving... pretty much your entire post

however after uni i emerged a changed man and i am sure that you will too. i think that you only really begin your adult life when you are thrust (pelvically?) into the real world and realise that the only way to achieve your goals is by your own actions, that you have to drive yourself forward because the education system no longer will. you will definitely come to appreciate this over your university years, because they are the transition phase in which you start to get an idea of the person you want to be, and furthermore you are in a position to help yourself! you'll also meet a lot of new people and can essentially reinvent yourself over and over again.

in terms of "have i made the right choice?" - fuck it! looking back on it now, i probably should not have picked computer science, but hindsight is 20:20 and i would not be in the position i am today without having made that choice. the same goes for you: you have no way of knowing if the course is right for you, the only way to find that out is to go through with it, so be happy with the decisions you make - you cant blame yourself for not knowing the unknowable.