The Dr. Smoglove Relationship Advise Column

[Layell]

Hello friends, and welcome to

Dr. Smoglove is our resident relationship expert, and based on many posts in this forum, he has realized most of the posters here could really use the advice.

So please post a letter to "Dear Dr. Smoglove" on what ails you, and I will post his response.

Dr. Smoglove has handled relationship advice, in-law disputes, pet turmoil, and even the odd case of arson.

PLEASE NOTE: I am not Dr. Smoglove, I am just providing his responses.

 

[phoopes]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

As revealed recently in a different thread, I am not married. As such, I'm an eligible bachelor, on the market, single and ready to mingle, etc. I've been told that now is a great time to "work on myself" but I'm convinced I'm already perfect so that ain't happening. What kind of general advice do you have for someone in my predicament?

Sincerely,
Looking for love

 

[Layell]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

As revealed recently in a different thread, I am not married. As such, I'm an eligible bachelor, on the market, single and ready to mingle, etc. I've been told that now is a great time to "work on myself" but I'm convinced I'm already perfect so that ain't happening. What kind of general advice do you have for someone in my predicament?

Sincerely,
Looking for love

Dear Looking for love,

Everyone has a different definition of perfect. Some see the perfect first date as going for coffee, or a walk in the park, or even reading the Communist Manifesto together.

So perfection is subjective, don't forget it. But even so, athletes at the top of their game keep pushing themselves further. If you aren't improving, you are getting worse.

If you aren't sure what is wrong with you, I recommend you call your closest friends and family on your cellular phone and scream "WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???". The best feedback is always received when you ask for it unsolicited and at the top of your lungs.

Best of luck
Dr. Smoglove

 

[antemortem]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Hi, huge fan! I’m currently dealing with the fallout of a toxic relationship, and in the past I’ve always rebounded immediately because I can’t stand being alone. All my friends are telling me not to fall into the same patterns, but as a sadist, I just love having my heart broken, so I’m not sure what to do. Help, Dr, Smoglove!

Sincerely,
LKNG_4_MNGMY

 

[Bug Maniac Aydon]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Are you available?

From buzzy

 

[CaffeineBoost]

dear doctor smoglove or how i learned to stop caring and love the post:

my friends say i'm too reliant on other people to solve my problems and that i should try to do things without any help.

any advice on how to fix this?

thanks.

 

[Layell]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Hi, huge fan! I’m currently dealing with the fallout of a toxic relationship, and in the past I’ve always rebounded immediately because I can’t stand being alone. All my friends are telling me not to fall into the same patterns, but as a sadist, I just love having my heart broken, so I’m not sure what to do. Help, Dr, Smoglove!

Sincerely,
LKNG_4_MNGMY

Dear LKNG_4_MNGMY,

I'm glad to hear you are honest with yourself. But now is the time to take that next step. There are many local BDSM and Findom communities, and unlike the pop-ups on porn and torrent sites, they are hot, and in your area. Once you have a taste of organized, consensual, and healthy abuse, you won't want to leave (and not just because a dominatrix has strapped you to her bed).

Strappingly yours,
Dr. Smoglove

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Are you available?

From buzzy

Dear buzzy,

I'm sorry but I am not available in the way you might like. I have a strict policy on patient-doctor relationships. Since you have contacted me through my column, you are now a patient. Oops sorry.

Regards
Dr. Smoglove

 

[Snessy!]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

im stuck on this one part of pheonix wright ace attorney: justice for all (the second game.) im at that one part with uhhhh gumshoe and i cant figure out what to do. since your first name is dr, youre probably good at law. can you help me?

From xX_PUSSYANKIN69_Xx

 

[BIG ASHLEY]

dear dr. smoglove

0/10 cheap knockoff of roy's cong thread. at least he could spell "advice".

hugs and kisses,

terminally unfunny

 

[Layell]

dear doctor smoglove or how i learned to stop caring and love the post:

my friends say i'm too reliant on other people to solve my problems and that i should try to do things without any help.

any advice on how to fix this?

thanks.

Dear thanks,

I hope you enjoyed the endorphin rush from posting this you motherfucker, because I am not your goddamn drug dealer. I am not going to give you that fucking reliance rush, you piece of shit. Have you ever looked in the mirror? Does getting that little nudge from someone else make that much of a difference, does it?

Do us all a favor and just imagine asking us for help, and imagine what we'll say.

Good night, and good riddance

Dr. Smoglove.

 

[gali]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Hope all is well! I recently started seeing a woman, and I really really like her. Unfortunately, our relationship puts me in a bit of a pickle, since she is my best friend's mom. How do I break the news to them?

Sincerely,
milfbagger

 

[boo836]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Last year I made a significant investment into a luxury digital asset off a loan payment, and given our rates and past delinquency I have been forced to make interest payments that cut into our monthly household budget. I admit that having to feed the children navy beans is not ideal, but it will be worth it when I am able to afford a house. First it's "I'm taking the kids and staying with my mother," and "Your cartoon monkey cost us the car." Now my kids call me by my first name and their new stepfather "dad."

How do I repair my relationship with my family?

 

[Layell]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Hope all is well! I recently started seeing a woman, and I really really like her. Unfortunately, our relationship puts me in a bit of a pickle, since she is my best friend's mom. How do I break the news to them?

Sincerely,
milfbagger

Dear milfbagger,

If this relationship is getting serious, then you need to disclose this at the soonest, and most opportune time.

Next time you are with your best friend, and they call you a "motherfucker", you need to be ready, and respond with "Yes, about that".

Call your milfy lover over, and explain that the two of you are in a passionate and loving relationship. Tell your friend that henceforth, he is to refer to you as "father dearest". If your friend doesn't believe this, be prepared to showcase photos of you in an intimate setting.

This will help display the appropriate dominance and preserve the sanctity of your friendship.

Best of luck
Dr. Smoglove

 

[Layell]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

Last year I made a significant investment into a luxury digital asset off a loan payment, and given our rates and past delinquency I have been forced to make interest payments that cut into our monthly household budget. I admit that having to feed the children navy beans is not ideal, but it will be worth it when I am able to afford a house. First it's "I'm taking the kids and staying with my mother," and "Your cartoon monkey cost us the car." Now my kids call me by my first name and their new stepfather "dad."

How do I repair my relationship with my family?

Dear "First Name Dad"

You are clearly missing something very obvious and shocking. You only bought one cartoon monkey for your family. You should have gone and purchased one for your spouse and each of your kids. They are clearly feeling left out of your passion, and trust me, they want more of it. Show that stepfather who is boss.

Regards
Dr. Smoglove

 

[faint]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reach back out to you. After taking your advice from the last time I wrote in, things couldn't have been better, and my love for life has kept me so busy that I forgot to write back to thank you for getting me on the track of happiness. For starters, you were right. I had to improve myself first before anyone would be willing to take a chance on me. I started with the boots you recommended (I chose the 3" soles) and God damn the results were near instantaneous. Just the FEELING of being taller made me extremely confident. I found myself doing all sorts of masculine things like leaving my number on my Applebee's receipts. Unfortunately, none of the waitresses ever got back to me, but as you have repeatedly told me, it's a numbers game. I also went ahead and got my upper teeth replaced with dentures. Braces were an option for me, but as you know, time is money, so I went with the fastest option. They look great and honestly you can't even tell they're fake unless the light hits them a certain way. I have an appointment scheduled in February to get my bottoms ones replaced. I wanted to do them all at once but my dentist was worried I was being rash. Whatever, loser.

Anyway, as great as things have been I do need some advice. You see, I met this girl at an NFT conference recently and we hit it off instantly. I may have told a few white lies here and there about my non-existent multimillion dollar portfolio, but whatever, I look 5'11 at the end of the day, lol. But here's the thing: she's 5'9. As you know, according to the University of Chicago study you shared with me, this makes her unfeasible. Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Greg, that's only a framework, and you yourself have not been completely honest with her, so let's consider giving her some wiggle room." And honestly, you'd be right, but the problem is I'm just having so much trouble shaking this. She has a nice face and all, but whenever I think of our future and how I'd look next to her as a 5'11 standing male with great dentures, I'm just not seeing it. Yet at the same time I still have feelings for her? I'd really appreciate any advice here, I'm just so torn. Anyway, thanks again for help earlier in the year. I still haven't tried your supplements (I know, I know) but I promise I will buy some once my credit card company gets off my ass for a few late payments, lol. Anyway, gotta run to my next gig. I'm performing at a few local birthday parties this week. Talk soon.

Best,
Greg

 

[Layell]

Dear Dr. Smoglove,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reach back out to you. After taking your advice from the last time I wrote in, things couldn't have been better, and my love for life has kept me so busy that I forgot to write back to thank you for getting me on the track of happiness. For starters, you were right. I had to improve myself first before anyone would be willing to take a chance on me. I started with the boots you recommended (I chose the 3" soles) and God damn the results were near instantaneous. Just the FEELING of being taller made me extremely confident. I found myself doing all sorts of masculine things like leaving my number on my Applebee's receipts. Unfortunately, none of the waitresses ever got back to me, but as you have repeatedly told me, it's a numbers game. I also went ahead and got my upper teeth replaced with dentures. Braces were an option for me, but as you know, time is money, so I went with the fastest option. They look great and honestly you can't even tell they're fake unless the light hits them a certain way. I have an appointment scheduled in February to get my bottoms ones replaced. I wanted to do them all at once but my dentist was worried I was being rash. Whatever, loser.

Anyway, as great as things have been I do need some advice. You see, I met this girl at an NFT conference recently and we hit it off instantly. I may have told a few white lies here and there about my non-existent multimillion dollar portfolio, but whatever, I look 5'11 at the end of the day, lol. But here's the thing: she's 5'9. As you know, according to the University of Chicago study you shared with me, this makes her unfeasible. Now, I know what you might be thinking: "Greg, that's only a framework, and you yourself have not been completely honest with her, so let's consider giving her some wiggle room." And honestly, you'd be right, but the problem is I'm just having so much trouble shaking this. She has a nice face and all, but whenever I think of our future and how I'd look next to her as a 5'11 standing male with great dentures, I'm just not seeing it. Yet at the same time I still have feelings for her? I'd really appreciate any advice here, I'm just so torn. Anyway, thanks again for help earlier in the year. I still haven't tried your supplements (I know, I know) but I promise I will buy some once my credit card company gets off my ass for a few late payments, lol. Anyway, gotta run to my next gig. I'm performing at a few local birthday parties this week. Talk soon.

Best,
Greg

Dearest Greg,

Thank you so much for your 78th letter to my column. Your continual path towards peak masculinity is an inspiration to all who frequent this column, and subscribe to my Gab social media account.

Yes, you are right, the dating game is a numbers game. To succeed, you need to give your phone numbers to as many waitresses as possible. Because they can't all possibly reject them, if not for specimens like yourself, they might not have a job!

As a reminder to new readers on this waitress topic, take advantage of other empty tables. The time between someone leaving the table, and the restaurant staff cleaning is about 4 minutes. With enough speed, you can scribble your digits down, or better yet, leave a “business card” with your “name”, and “reputable job” for them to admire.

Now I’m going to move on to your little 5’9 problem. I read all of this Greg, and you know what it tells me? You didn’t write this letter with your platform shoes on. Go back to your front door, tidy off those boots, and slip your feet back in them. A 5’11 dignified gentleman who also regularly buys my supplements doesn’t concern himself with those whose head is beneath his dentures.

Best of luck with the rodeo clown and close-up magic tricks Greg, I know you’ll kill it at those birthday parties.

Your best friend
Dr. Smoglove

 

[BreadLoeuf]

Dear Dr. Smoglove

I am currently friends with user Moretto on the website Smogon.com. But I want to take this relationship to the next level (to best friends). do you have any advice on how to propose to him? I only have $5 despite using all of my money in gacha games that promise to award us with $6 bills for every $5 spent.

Sincerely, Aspiring best friend