Gen 9 Introduces: Ultra Abilities

[Low-Key]

Beast Boost: turns everyone into a beast
Regenerator: regenerate your mom!!!!

 

[OMNIWEEB]

Cute Charm attracts simps around the world.

 

[monkfish]

dry skin: you inflict eczema upon your opponent

anticipation: if your opponent takes more than 30 seconds to choose their move you soil yourself

stench: the heady fragrance of your unwashed armpits combines with the pungent aroma wafting from your undercarriage to overwhelm your opponent

 

[Low-Key]

Sheer Force: You use the sheer force to fu-
Speed Boost: You get faster and faster and faster like Sonic

 

[LordThemberchaud]

Stakeout: You get a nice, medium rare steak.

 

[かたわれ時]

Poison Heal: any Poison-type move deals no damage and instead restores all HP. Normal and Toxic Poison also heals at 100%/Turn.
Pixilate: your opponent’s screen reverts to Gen 1 quality, preventing them from enjoying the improved graphics.
Aerilate: due to increased cooling, your Switch can now operate twice as fast. You can do two actions per turn, in sequence.
Volt Absorb: your Switch can Absorb an enormously large amount of energy. Your opponent’s Switch dies, giving you the victory immediately.

 

[War Incarnate]

Adaptability: Your pokemon shapeshift to adapt to (and take maximum advantage of) their surroundings. Simple, isn't it?

 

[Myth2048]

Water absorb: Your switch absorbs all moisture within a 50 mile radius. This includes your blood.

 

[Bice]

Download gives you an anti-piracy screen and your Nintendo account gets insta-banned.

Piracy Is No Pokemon League!

Mimicry: Changes everything to the terrain's type. Even your switch. Grass grows on your console if it's Grassy Terrain, your console emits pink mist on Misty Terrain, the console levitates on its own & reads your mind on Psychic Terrain, and the switch straight up electrocutes you on Electric Terrain

 

[LordThemberchaud]

Piracy Is No Pokemon League!

Mimicry: Changes everything to the terrain's type. Even your switch. Grass grows on your console if it's Grassy Terrain, your console emits pink mist on Misty Terrain, the console levitates on its own & reads your mind on Psychic Terrain, and the switch straight up electrocutes you on Electric Terrain

There is also an Acidic Terrain in Megas For All! That would melt you and your Switch!

 

[Evelyie]

Imposter: Turns into an Amogus

 

[OMNIWEEB]

Unaware prevents you from ever learning that your actions have consequences.
(cue the voice cracks while reading this)

 

[zo]

motor drive allows you to convert any electric attack into usable electricity that you can use to power any device that supports a Nintendo Portable Generator Cable™ (sold separately)

 

[Eeveekid10]

Simple: Yours and your pokemon's life turns simpler than stone edge age.
Contrary:Your pokemon does the contrary to what you command, commanding it to attack opponent mon will make it attack you.
Motor drive: If you are playing with the switch and this ability activates, the switch absorbs all the electricity it gets access to(in the range of 30 ft), and starts automatically playing 500 cc Mario kart 11(or 12 if it exists at that time)
Wonder guard: This pokemon is immune to everything, even yveltal.
Pickpocket:When this ability activates, the mon will steal everything that the opponent trainer have while also stealing the mons and their items and even the nintendo switch
Ball fetch: [insert lenny face here] Fetches all the balls in the radius of 10 ft
Drought:Summons drought in real life
Drizzle: Summons rain in real life
Snow warning: Summons hail in real life
Sand stream: Summons sandstorm in real life
Corrosion: Your switch starts corroding
Compound eyes: Projectile attacks hit from every angle(may hit ally and trainer too)

Why did I waste an hour of my life thinking about shitposting

 

[FireBlastingNinetales]

Mold Breaker makes the Pokemon get rid of all the mould on your bread
Magic Bounce makes the Pokemon bounce all over the battlefield with its magic
Overgrow increases the amount of weeds in your garden
Quick Draw brings you to a page where you can play an AI game
Emergency Exit tells you where to go in case of fire

 

[sb879]

Dragon's Maw: The earth splits open, revealing Tisundrius, Dragon of the Deep. He will eat your opponent if they do not give him ten bars of gold.
Filter: All your opponent's moves are filtered into weird references no one gets, causing the game to not recognize them and default to Struggle.
Immunity: You can just shoot your opponent. If anyone tries to prosecute, you've got immunity.

 

[HeatEdgeSword]

my uncle working at game freak told me that Charizard gets a signature ability called ultra flare where you win as soon as it lands any attack

 

[Evelyie]

Sand Stream: 24 HOURS IN A SAND TUB CHATTING WITH SUBS *insert Tyranitar with bikini here*! !sand !commands !donate

 

[Myth2048]

Intimidate lowers your opponent’s attack by two stages. That’s it. It doesn’t prevent them from attacking, it doesn’t scare them to death IRL, and it does absolutely nothing to the switch. It’s just a two stage attack drop instead of one.

 

[Heavyweapons Mann]

Wimp Out makes you scared of everything

 

[Bobsican]

Neutralizing Gas: Abilities, items and types have no effect
Have fun with no one getting STAB or resists, and everyone being vulnerable to any status, with no items or abilities to disrupt this either, also known as "Return to Kanto XL"

 

[Voltage]

Adaptability is broken into two words: Adapt Ability which therefore allows you to change your ability to any ability in the game

 

[Plague von Karma]

Full Metal Body makes the entire Switch turn metallic, causing it to melt because holy shit imagine having good cooling fans on this shit console.
Gulp Missile makes you vomit out a whole ass fish irl.
Scrappy changes your trainer name to Kyle. If it's already Kyle, you're teleported to England.
Zen Mode turns Darmanitan into a moyai emoji at 50%
Gorilla Tactics makes both you and your opponent only use Struggle with no other options, not even forfeiting.
Liquid Voice makes David Bowie music play on loop

 

[Brambane]

Parental Bond made my dad come back home

 

[pac]

The new mechanic should instead be these purple crystals that allow you to take any move in the game and give it to your mons. So now every meta is Balanced Hackmons :))