How to make your very own Schlagenheim!!
Step 1:
Jesus Christ has been reincarnated. His name is Morgan Simpson. Locate him at your local Waffle House.
Step 2:
You need exactly 2,590 seconds of his time, so buy him approximately $2,590 worth of Waffle House menu items. He will then agree to drum on your Schlagenheim. This is worth it
Step 3:
Put Morgan in any studio in Detroit, Michigan with a drum set and a slightly radioactive Monster energy drink. Ask him to just go bonkers improvising rhythms, the more disjointed the rhythms the better. The entirety of your Schlagenheim will be built off of these recordings.
Step 4:
ocate the grave of famous Czech novelist Franz Kafka at The New Jewish Cemetery in Žižkov, Prague. Place one (1) cockroach drenched in lighter fluid on his tombstone. Light the roach on fire and a tiny replica of Kafka will rise from the ashes. Ask this little guy to write 9 short stories, but only direction you can give him is "Brexit, but horny"
Step 5:
Locate Ricky Gervais. Ask him to read the mini Kafka's short stories while doing an outdated Asian-American accent. (no shade to Greep, just always what he sounds like to me lmao). Speed and pitch those voice recordings up by 1.75% or so and then add them to the mix
Step 6:
Gather a vast assortments of just ridiculous musical instruments including (but not limited to):
- Russian Guitar
- Wah-wah
- Finger cymbals
- Guiro
- Bongos
- Clavioline
- Chromatic accordion
- Pedal steel
- Rain stick
- Castanets
- Objects (actual credited instrument on this album)
- Flute
- Wood block
- Triangle
- Trash can
Step 7:
Divide all of these instruments into 9 separate U-Haul truck hooked up with microphones. Drive the loaded truck on a gravel road in hell. Zig zag the entire time while consistently increasing and decreasing your speed, slamming the breaks constantly. Add these recordings to your mix
Step 8:
On your laptop, play a scene of your favorite Oscar-winning actress screaming and crying due to some sort of distressing situation. Record that screen w a Samsung phone made no later than 2001. Play that recording on your laptop speakers and rerecord again with that samsung. Play that rerecording from your laptop speakers and rererecord with the phone. Rinse and repeat until you have a rererererererererecording of the original scene and add that to the 7th track of your Schlagenheim
Final Step:
Now you have the music!! But theres one more task to create a true Schlagenheim. Find a local pond that has been ravaged by corporate pollution and catch the most carp malformed carp you can find. Put this carp in a blender until it forms a thick, liquid-y texture. Feed this substance into a vinyl record pressing plant and press the first copy!
Congratulations!!!
You have created a brand new post-avant-nu-punk-metal-wave album! Too bad your Schlagenheim will never be as great as the original, because I genuinely think the qualities that make Black Midi's debut album so bizarre and addictive could never be replicated, no matter how much money you spend at Waffle House
Step 1:
Jesus Christ has been reincarnated. His name is Morgan Simpson. Locate him at your local Waffle House.
Step 2:
You need exactly 2,590 seconds of his time, so buy him approximately $2,590 worth of Waffle House menu items. He will then agree to drum on your Schlagenheim. This is worth it
Step 3:
Put Morgan in any studio in Detroit, Michigan with a drum set and a slightly radioactive Monster energy drink. Ask him to just go bonkers improvising rhythms, the more disjointed the rhythms the better. The entirety of your Schlagenheim will be built off of these recordings.
Step 4:
ocate the grave of famous Czech novelist Franz Kafka at The New Jewish Cemetery in Žižkov, Prague. Place one (1) cockroach drenched in lighter fluid on his tombstone. Light the roach on fire and a tiny replica of Kafka will rise from the ashes. Ask this little guy to write 9 short stories, but only direction you can give him is "Brexit, but horny"
Step 5:
Locate Ricky Gervais. Ask him to read the mini Kafka's short stories while doing an outdated Asian-American accent. (no shade to Greep, just always what he sounds like to me lmao). Speed and pitch those voice recordings up by 1.75% or so and then add them to the mix
Step 6:
Gather a vast assortments of just ridiculous musical instruments including (but not limited to):
- Russian Guitar
- Wah-wah
- Finger cymbals
- Guiro
- Bongos
- Clavioline
- Chromatic accordion
- Pedal steel
- Rain stick
- Castanets
- Objects (actual credited instrument on this album)
- Flute
- Wood block
- Triangle
- Trash can
Step 7:
Divide all of these instruments into 9 separate U-Haul truck hooked up with microphones. Drive the loaded truck on a gravel road in hell. Zig zag the entire time while consistently increasing and decreasing your speed, slamming the breaks constantly. Add these recordings to your mix
Step 8:
On your laptop, play a scene of your favorite Oscar-winning actress screaming and crying due to some sort of distressing situation. Record that screen w a Samsung phone made no later than 2001. Play that recording on your laptop speakers and rerecord again with that samsung. Play that rerecording from your laptop speakers and rererecord with the phone. Rinse and repeat until you have a rererererererererecording of the original scene and add that to the 7th track of your Schlagenheim
Final Step:
Now you have the music!! But theres one more task to create a true Schlagenheim. Find a local pond that has been ravaged by corporate pollution and catch the most carp malformed carp you can find. Put this carp in a blender until it forms a thick, liquid-y texture. Feed this substance into a vinyl record pressing plant and press the first copy!
Congratulations!!!
You have created a brand new post-avant-nu-punk-metal-wave album! Too bad your Schlagenheim will never be as great as the original, because I genuinely think the qualities that make Black Midi's debut album so bizarre and addictive could never be replicated, no matter how much money you spend at Waffle House
