I think I've been in a constant state of depression since i was 5. I don't really remember a time when i was happy. Events in my childhood saw to that. It's been like a prison.
everyone has slumps, okay?using this post to vent pretty hard right now, just frustrated with the way things are going and no matter what i don't seem to be able to get out of this slump. i feel like i've been on a downward spiral for the last 3 years or so and i'm not even half the person i was back then. i'm just stuck in the same routine day in day out with no change whatsoever like what am i even working towards? what's the end goal? for the first time in my life i feel like i'm making zero progress towards anything and even now i am struggling to even give a shit or make a change. it's pretty crushing looking around at other people your age and what they are accomplishing and experiencing while you're just existing watching the world pass you by
never before in my life have i felt so isolated and alone. i don't really have any friends, the only conversation i get is small talk from work colleagues who i have nothing in common with and i feel like any semblance of my personality is drying up completely. in social situations i feel so out of place and awkward, like i shouldn't be here and how could anyone tolerate me. i have nothing to offer anyone, not rude or particularly good looking, just so empty of life and purpose that how could anyone ever find me enjoyable to be around or god forbid attractive. a few people ask me what i do outside of work and having to lie all the time because you're the guy with nothing going for him is awful
sometimes i feel so disconnected from reality, like time is moving so fast and i'm just a witness to it all. i'm 21 now and now newly qualified in my job but just have lost all the passion and energy i used to have. all i want to do now is sleep and anything else loses my interest entirely. i used to go to the gym 3 times a week and was in good shape, but over the past 18 months or so i've put on quite a bit of weight. the idea of changing that doesn't interest me at all and it bothers me.
i don't know what to do, i've been to therapy and counseling, been on medication for 3 years, tried sports but nothing changes. feel like i'm pissing in the wind at this point
I'll try to sum it up to the best of my abilities. I'll condense a lot of information that range from my childhood up to now and it's a lot.
I'll also have to leave A LOT of things out so that it can fit in here. It'll be like 5% of what I've lived, and even then I'll simplify everything because it's really damn complex. Also, my english is kinda bad, so I hope it's readable.
I've been depressed for really a long time. Can't really remember the last time I was truly happy.
Always been a prodigy, the kind that would only get straight A's and be praised by some for it.
But, you see, when I was younger (5-6 yo) my mother (also a prodigy from a very young age, a respected doctor) had a burnout from excessive work. She always had some predisposition towards developing schizophrenia, which led to her effectively becoming mentally ill and also becoming unable to handle both work and taking care of a young child under the given scenario. She was also obliged to do all by herself, since my father left us when I was even younger after being caught having sex with my babysitter. She then started getting really unhappy and also developing serious depression.
Life haven't been good ever since then.
Mother then got not only mentally but also physically ill. She started getting really paranoid due to her mental condition and couldn't handle work as she used to cuz' she was sick too. She would often move on to new cities and sometimes even out of the country looking for job, because she would quickly grow paranoid about the people who she worked with and started to pick up fights with them, which led towards the fact that she would be constantly moving around. Sometimes I would follow her, sometimes not (if that was the case, she would leave me with my grandmother).
That led to the fact that I would often move away from my friends, never being able to have long lasting relationships which also contributed to the difficulty of sustaining relationships that I have today. Also, I got raped by that time, which traumatized her a lot more than it did to me. Actually, I barely remember it since I was really young, but she recalls it perfectly.
She would often get angry at me for no reason at all, torturing me and forcing me to confess things that I never did. I would often question my own sanity because of that. The few friends that I had she personally took away from me. I would cry on a daily basis, I was really sad back then. I loved my mother so much that I never even considered the remote possibility of her being wrong - I would always immediately assume that I was the one who were problematic. And she would often enforce that idea.
Some kids at my school would often pick up fights with me because they started noticing that I was an easy, frail target. I never responded to that, but I've developed a lot of insecurities due to this. I've also developed a serious eating disorder because of that (anorexia).
Both my house and the school were terrible places to be at. Every day was the worst day of my life.
Things got even worse after mother picked up a serious fight with my grandma and a big part of our family got taken on that too. We didn't have anyone else besides them, and after she did that we didn't have anyone for us at all. And it was everything due to her paranoia, because grandma didn't do anything to her. She started getting even worse.
She also became incapable of working afterwards, which led to us having no income at all and having no one else to help us. Right after that she tried to kill herself. She threatened to do it many times but never actually tried to until this day.
I saw it with my very own eyes. I remember that day like if it was yesterday. She got really drunk, beated me and heard some really loud depressive music all night long. Then she proceeded to lock herself on her own room and take some drug at a lethal dosage. Not only that, but she also planned to electrocute herself with her hairdryer to further ensure she would no be able to survive, but she passed out sooner than she predicted due to the drugs she took earlier. That gave me time to hear the noise that was coming from there before it was too late. It was unusual to hear a hairdryer turned on for so long, therefore I decided to check what was happening there. I called her many times and she didn't respond to it, so I broke through the door and found her lying uncouncious on the ground. Called for help and got lucky it arrived right on time.
After that, I have never cried again. Not even once. And it has been a long time since then.
I followed her recovery proccess from that thing she did tried to do. I would often stand by her side and see her having allucinations during the night, because she needed someone to watch after her during that period. She also had a lot of difficulty walking and speaking on the first days that followed her suicide attempt. She was also unable to eat, use the bathroom or do anything by herself. It was pitiful.
After she recovered, grandma called us to live with her, even though my mother accused her of doing terrible things. Mother accepted, leading us to move to my grandma house.
By that period she started getting EVEN WORSE. She was so paranoid that she would often pick fights when we tried to sleep, screaming all night long and sometimes beating both me and my grandma. The rest of my family then deciced to intervene and force a compulsory hospitalization upon her. She actually got away with that.
Then, for the first time in my life, I decided to drop out of school. I started getting really sick often, being unable to attend classes and had no motivation whatsoever to do it anyways. Started thinking about suicide by that time, too. I had no reason to keep moving on. No dreams, no family, no friends, nothing.
Then my mother moved away from here to live on a flat that belongs to one of her aunts. Her aunt had a lot of properties she didn't really live at, and she decided to let my mother stay at one of them by the time. It was like 3 years ago. By that time I decided to have a serious talk with my mother about the way she treated me and how I felt about it. By the first time on my entire life I felt like I wasn't the problem (before that I would often think that I was the one who was doing something wrong, I had a lot of respect for my mother despite everything. Also I was really young), so I decided to confront her. She didn't take me seriously and offended me. Then I decided that I would never talk to her if she didn't look for treatment (which apparently she never did), and I have never seen her face once again. It's been a fairly long time since then.
I've been living with my grandma ever since then. Right after that talk happened I even looked for a school, enrolled myself and got back to study. But it didn't take long for me to have a break down. Depression took a serious hit on me and I wasn't able to attend to classes once again, even though I had a lot of friends and was doing just fine there.
Then I dropped out from school once again and moved away from the people that I just started developing friendship.
The things that I've experienced my entire life left some wounds that never healed. Also, right after that I started developing some kind of disease that affects my stomach due to my eating disorder and weak metabolism. I was actually hoping it killed me before I found someone who convinced me to treat. I've moved away from this person too.
Tried to treat my depression with assistance from specialized professional help many times, but it never worked. I really did put all my effort on trying to make therapy succeed, but it was all for nothing. Been some months since I've decided not to treat my depression since it never worked out.
I've also tried to suicide after I left my last school, but I failed on doing so. Curious part is that it was pretty similar to what my mother tried to do.
Every day is the same and things are meaningless lately. I have no purpose whatsoever. I've tried to stand up against my depression many times, but it is always in vain. I feel like I should just give up already. I feel nothing but a lot of regret and emptiness. Maybe my mother's life would have been easier if I killed myself when I was younger and then things would have been easier for her. Maybe I'll never be able to leave this state of stagnation until I die either due to my health condition or to my own hands.
I don't cry anymore. I don't have any reason to. I don't hold any regard for my own well being anyway anyhow. I don't see a point in life anymore. There is no reason to cry for something that has no value whatsoever.
And maybe that's how things will end. Pitiful indeed, but I don't care anymore.
I've also omitted a lot of impotant facts in order to be able to sum up a bit of my story. Things go really deeper down the rabbit hole, but it would be impossible to put everything on a single post without making it a awfully long book series.
Well, that's it. Hope it serves you guys somehow.
Hmm, so there's two things for me. One is the removal of available alternate activities that would otherwise distract me when I'm doing work. If I try study at home I can't get myself to focus on my work when my 3DS/phone/PS4/reddit is right there and is so much less of an effort to focus my attention on. Remove those types of distractions as much as possible (libraries help here, idk what your computer situation is but I literally bought a second laptop so I could only do work on it). Second is when you do something productive but boring, like go to the library and do some homework, pair it with something pleasant. I always get an iced coffee and something tasty from the bakery when I go to the library and study, for instance, which makes me feel a lot better about it. Having said that, this advice imo is much more useful for homework and stuff, where it's your choice what to do about it. It's less effective when it comes to going to class since that feels more like an obligation. Still, doing homework is pretty important, and can definitely make up for shortcomings in class attendance. Anyway, the idea is that by associating it with something positive you're doing something that has some pleasant components while doing something productive as well, which hopefully makes you feel a little better and it just builds from there.How do you guys deal with a lack of motivation? That's something I'm having half way through college....I can't find the motivation to do anything; some days I don't even go to class anymore; doing homework is a chore, I'm listless and tired and disinterested. I literally could not care less at this point. Gonna go to a therapist, but it's scary to feel so numb.
I know this initially sounds like the opposite of what you should do, but you might consider trying meditation. I think it could help with multiple aspects of what you're dealing with. If you genuinely fear being alone with your thoughts, continuously avoiding and distracting yourself from them is only a temporary measure that makes them that much more sinister while they simmer in the back of your mind. You fear those thoughts, and you're operating based on that fear. Living primarily on fear stifles healthy and necessary change. Long-term, that can lead you to a bad place.That's excellent advice. I'll try to make some changes in my daily routine then.
The other thing I was struggling with but not so much anymore is just alcohol abuse; I hated being alone with my thoughts, because they'd only put me in a really dark place. Same reason I need music playing most of the time. That's less of a cut and dry problem, but I'm sure that's something guys here might be dealing with. Wanna hear how you cope.
yo, its been a little over a year and i wanna talk about what has happened since and also mention some things i learned along the way.I've been thinking about making a post in here for a long time and finally decided to do it because talking about stuff helps a lot.
Anyway, hi. I've been depressed for quite some time. I think it started sometime after 9th grade of HS. Idk why but 9th grade was a weird year for me since I wasnt happy w the school i was in, didnt have many friends, and i was having some family issues as well. This continued throughout hs but i never really did anything about it bc my family is kinda weird and doesnt really believe in mental illnesses and it wasnt really affecting other aspects of my life (school, social life, other responsibilities) that much. Well, of course it was affecting it but not to a high degree. It came in cycles and ranged from just feeling sad / exhausted / unmotivated to suicidal thoughts and things like that. I made some really good friends in hs and they helped me a lot. Overall had a great experience so it wasnt that bad in hindsight. Anyway, i started college and the first couple weeks were great but then i fell into a really bad cycle. I have a habit of procrastination and it wasnt really an issue before since id always get stuff done + get a good grade on it but it became an issue now. I joined some program at my school and began to see an academic counselor (she basically helped w the procrastination issue by helping me make a schedule and having me follow it) and it did help. I think around this time i developed a really bad anxiety issue which also turned into some social anxiety where i literally couldnt get up to go to class most days. Idk how to explain the feeling but im sure others who experience it can relate. It just really sucks. School is one of the most important things to me so doing bad in it really messed me up. Around november, i fortunately had a failed suicide attempt and went home and cried to my sister (i think it was the first time since like middle school). Following this, i experienced this euphoria, i cant really explain it but the next couple days i felt really relaxed and not really worried about anything. Everything went on normally and i ended up finishing the semester on a good note.
Second semester was a bit different because i had absolutely 0 motivation and didnt care about anything at all. i hated it because i know fucking up now means id have to play catch up for a while. the cycle was pretty much: i dont care about anything, responsibilities come forward, im now filled with anxiety and feel overwhelmed, and so on. it was really really bad and i hated it. luckily i some how got thru the semester and started dating an amazing girl whos been a huge help. over the summer i scheduled therapy sessions thru my school's health center and got an official diagnosis but i skipped the rest of the sessions. i rescheduled and skipped that one too. idk why i somehow got it in my head that i have to 'go thru this alone'. maybe ive been watching too much netflix lol. anyway, im 2 months into my 2nd year now and things are really really really bad. i skipped my core classes the entirety of september and failed my 1st math exam. ive been doing ok in my other classes but honestly its just embarrassing bc math is and has always been my best subject. i have another exam on tuesday which i havent begun to study for and it will be hard to cram since i went to 2 sessions this month. my relationship is kinda hanging in there bc ive been avoiding my gf. shes been understanding but im just being really dumb by not being open with her and she has enough to worry about anyway w school and stuff. ive also been avoiding my close friends i really dont know why but i feel bad about it even tho they've also been very understanding.
to get thru this stuff ive decided the following:
once my exam/project stuff is over, im going to reschedule the therapy session and not skip it lol (i hope)
im going to stop skipping class as everytime i do i feel guilty and it just adds to the negative feelings
im going to talk to my professors and explain to them whats going on
im going to talk to my gf and tell her exactly whats going on
im going to work with a non-profit started by my friend in order to surround myself w good, positive, motivated people
im going to stop avoiding my friends since they really just want to help
hopefully i can maintain the energy and outlook necessary to accomplish all these. to anyone else going thru the same / similar stuff, i encourage you to approach it logically and try to form a plan that'll give you a more positive outlook on life and try to talk to people. talking honestly helps a lot. i also want to thank my friends on this site since every little thing DOES indeed help. those friendly hellos or whatever goes a long way. back to talking, if anyone ever wants to talk about anything or is going thru some hard times, feel free to pm me or find me on discord. im always willing to help someone. writing this was kinda hard but also a relief getting it off my chest. thanks if you read all of this and good luck if you're going thru similar stuff as well
Edit: after posting this I got some really nice and sweet messages. Thanks so much you guys, it means a lot and goes a long way <3
My own dad died in a similar way a couple years before the OP's, November 2012 from a heart attack following a brief illness. I was 11 years old in the 6th grade and my dad was supposed to be picking me up from school that day, but I was surprised when my step-dad's car showed up instead. He drove me home in silence without telling me what happened until I got home.If I was a flavor of coffee, it would be "Depresso"!
Heh.
bad pun. Okay so I am depressed and I'm making this thread in large part to ask people how they cope with depression they have or had, but also to provide a place for other depressed people to vent their feelings and /or just have someone to listen to them. So feel free to post in this thread.
As for me? Well looking back I think my depression started two years ago when my dad died:[ I really loved him a lot and apparently he died from sort of heart thing because he didn't check in with his doctor so he didn't know it was going to happen. We were going back from Modell's and everything with football gear when it happened, and found out at home. Utter devastation. I can remember most of the details even now. Not having a parent around to nurture you as a child is really harsh, i mean especially at adolescence when so much shit is happening anyway. My mom is usually at work too, so it's like, fuck. I've only begun to realize the extent of my depression yesterday, BUT its been there in some form since basically august 2014, when he died.
so yeah there's my story, feel free to post
That's not really how it works.What I don't understand about depression is that it is treated as an illness, and I agree. But we ourselves are made to feel bad about the causes for our depression, like we made bad choices and did not make full use of our time to make things better. If you go for treatment there is always a reason for why you are depressed, whether it be social/work/financial/relationship troubles and what we don't realize is that the involvement of others plays a huge role on our depression.