Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Theia]

Hey everyone, it's been nearly a year since I last posted in this thread. I originally stopped because I was told that my posts were causing concern among my peers, which I don't definitely want to do, but I once again find myself in a place where I want to be able to just get all of my thoughts out without feeling like I'm imposing myself on others, burdening them with my issues and making them feel obligated to respond.

A lot has happened in the months since I last posted here. Probably the biggest change has been changing my name and therefore my identity on here, PS, Discord, and just about everywhere else. I was never very public with the reason for my name change, but the reason was basically that, under my former name, I had a lot of issues, irl and not, and I saw changing my name as a way to leave behind a lot of the pain and trauma that I had undergone whilst identifying with the old one. A new start, a better me, all of that. And that has worked to an extent. Obviously you can't just make years worth of that kind of stuff go away with a simple shift in identity, but it has allowed me to compartmentalize a lot of the really bad stuff into neat mental boxes and put it away because that happened to a different person, not me, and I'm not going to let all of that rule my life anymore. One downside though has been that I feel like a huge pain whenever someone calls me by my old name and I correct them. I know that they're not doing it out of malice and that I went by some version of my old name here for four, almost five years, so I've kind of tried to do it less since I don't want other people to feel bad if they forget.

The other big change has obviously been my promotion to SMod and further involvement in Smogon. Last time I talked in this thread, I was just a PS Admin and Community Leader. Honestly, surprisingly little has changed in the transition between Community Leader and SMod, mostly since I'm doing the same work as a SMod that I did as a Community Leader, mainly handling user safety issues or evaders when they're reported to me. I've also gotten involved in other aspects of the community, most notably tour hosting. A lot of people ask me why I do it, and some tours make me question my sanity sometimes, but I've found that there are a few reasons I continue to volunteer for or accept hosting positions when asked: First, tour hosting keeps me busy. I like being busy and having stuff to focus on because it keeps my mind busy too and out of dark places. Second, it honestly doesn't take up a lot of my time. It's a few hours on a Sunday night/Monday morning and a few cumulative hours over the week, and I'm more than happy to offer up that time to help out the many communities around Smogon.

I have made an effort to be as open and friendly and approachable as humanly possible to everyone across both sites. I want people to feel like they can come to me for any issues at all, because when someone here was manipulating and abusing me, I didn't have anyone I could turn to or anyone I felt like I could trust, and I never want anyone to be in that same situation. But sometimes, and I know that I am extremely selfish for feeling this way, I look down my DMs list on Discord and see how few people actually come to talk to me because they want to talk to me instead of because they need or want something from me, and I wonder if anyone cares back. Obviously no one is obligated to care about me and I don't expect someone who is just PMing me asking for a custom avatar to be transferred over or an alt check to be done to care about my life story. But with my irl support system non-existent at this stage of my life, I think I can count on one hand the number of people I feel like I can rely on. Of course, my primary focus is, always has been, and always will be the safety and happiness of the sites' users, and I never want to dissuade people from approaching me about any help they need, so I just kind of keep that to myself.

Probably the last big thought that I find on my mind is of my own view of myself. It doesn't take a genius to realize that I don't value myself very highly. Those who know me on a close personal basis may know that I generally see myself as, well, kind of useless. No matter how many new ways I try to involve myself or how much work I try to pick up, it never truly feels like I'm doing enough. Recently, someone on one of the teams I'm part of told someone else that I "don't do much anymore," which really reinforced how I view myself and my workload here, since other people feel the same way. This also ties into one of my biggest fears: that I won't be enough, that everyone around me views me as uselessly as I view myself, and that they simply won't want me around anymore, as a member of a staff team or as a person. And this has led to some behavior that has been genuinely bad for me, such as handling a case where a user exhibited behavior similar to that of my past abuser by myself when I definitely should have asked someone else to take it over for me.

I know that was kind of a scrambled word vomit, and I'm sorry for how long it was. Really, I just wanted to get rid of all of that in a place where no one is obligated to read it or reply to it. I'm kind of lost as to how to escape my negative mindset since it seems to constantly reinforce itself.

Thank you for listening as always.

 

[Adeleine]

hey Theia (very pretty name, by the way)

But sometimes, and I know that I am extremely selfish for feeling this way, I look down my DMs list on Discord and see how few people actually come to talk to me because they want to talk to me instead of because they need or want something from me, and I wonder if anyone cares back.

my perspective on interpersonal stuff tends to be um less generalizable, but one thing i have worried/worry about is what happens when i care a lot back to people with uh authority levels over mine. maybe that's a self-indulgent way i phrased it? at any rate, for example i can respond really strongly to being helped and start personally caring about the person quickly in response, but that can express itself as a uh, kinda explosive and somewhat self-indulgent level of friendship/positive relations intimacy (not romantic). the last thing i want is to punish yall for nailing your goals of providing great help with a level of friendship intimacy yall either (1) arent super comfy with at the moment (2) just not mega down for with me in particular (it happens!) or (3) whatever. i sent a leadery person a zero-romanticy-intended heart in a "thank you" type message months ago and i still feel kinda bad about it, still feeling i was too much with them. for that and other reasons, handling these sorts of levels of care on this site / in general can make me a bit nervous. in fact, im a bit nervous making this post. that said, i can say i have noticed your particular desire to be open, helpful, harm-preventive, and also kind over a considerable stretch of time, and i esteem you for such goodheartedness, esteem beyond the baseline one'd expect for your positions and our relatively few interactions. personally, i struggle to understand how your posts here are and were anything but a positive–not only can they and following discussion help you and all of us in the way all posts here do, but witnessing this sincerity and openness from one of high authority helps give me faith and trust here. we all have hurdles, many times high hurdles, and pretending as if those we trust and venerate lack them helps us none. it makes me a bit nervous to say, but i do care about you. so long as i can, i try to open my door to all who need help and don't know where else to turn, even if i don't know them at all, but i will still personally extend that, if you're in need of assistance now or some time, perhaps there is a way i can help.

it never truly feels like I'm doing enough

i certainly relate. (i also immensely relate to "in a place where nobody is obliged to read or respond to it"). certain readers may see my gp counts and wonder how i relate to your quote but, after all, that's how these thoughts can go, yeah? something that has helped me is trying to understand why i set expectations for different people, myself included, and understand where i go wrong in that part. mercy, charity (here used in the non-monetary sense), and graciousness are both high virtues and also skills to train and grow in; when acted on towards one's self, they are not at all different in either way. if you're anything like me, you'll have trouble distinguishing these virtues applied towards one's self from selfishness. but i'm slowly starting to understand the difference after thinking about it a lot, slowly starting to be able to see myself more how i see others. i know not if this helps at all, but it is what i can venture. at least i can provide some of the charity and graciousness you deserve and say that i have no reason all to see you as useless. the trust and esteem you've deserved and earned from me has materially helped my experience on my site–is that alone not something to be proud of? i imagine you have done even more for those you are talk with more frequently.

But sometimes, and I know that I am extremely selfish for feeling this way, I look down my DMs list on Discord and see how few people actually come to talk to me because they want to talk to me instead of because they need or want something from me, and I wonder if anyone cares back. Obviously no one is obligated to care about me and I don't expect someone who is just PMing me asking for a custom avatar to be transferred over or an alt check to be done to care about my life story. But with my irl support system non-existent at this stage of my life, I think I can count on one hand the number of people I feel like I can rely on/

i think there's a better answer here than that you are being extremely selfish. you are hurt, and you struggle to find where to turn. sometimes hurt can make us do things we regret, but your need is real. i understand the limitations of hoping that those coming for favors talk about something deeper, but your core desire, to lessen this particular hurt you feel, the hurt from struggling with unfair poisons and struggling to find support, is just and not selfish.

i hope this can be of any assistance, and apologies for the rambly format and if i made any errors.

 

[Theia]

Hey friends, it actually has been less than a month since my last post in here, but a lot more has happened since then and I just needed to get it all out again and I really don't want to bother the people I still have in my life, so I'm very sorry for posting again so soon. Hopefully things will stabilize soon and this will become less necessary.

The biggest life event for me since my last post has been, being intentionally vague, being essentially cut out by people who I used to consider friends. I've been going through a lot of struggles irl that I didn't touch on in my last post that have severely impacted my ability to be as present as I would like to be across both sites. My mental health has never been the best, but things got a lot worse as I navigated things like a broken laptop, a car accident, and being disowned, on top of having to make the return to college to struggle and drag myself through another semester of five classes I barely want to be in, so I couldn't be present enough for a few months and now I've lost a lot. It hurts a lot, the moment you realize you were never really anything at all to someone with whom you thought you were close.

These feelings have been poisoning my thoughts for a while now. I find myself asking more and more what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore. Not really even in a suicidal sense, just...what if I disappeared one day? I wonder how many people would notice, how many people would truly miss me. Right now I feel very unimportant. Expendable. Replaceable. It's really reinforced the issues with my view of myself that I outlined in my last post in a big way. I'm sure it's easy to find someone just as capable of doing the things I do and with a lot less of the issues I seem to bring everywhere I go.

While the above was happening, I did something I'm not very proud of. I ended up removing myself from a lot of more socially-oriented places, mostly Discord servers. A few people did reach out to me to ask what happened, I think mostly because this involved deleting my private room on PS, which gives an error popup if it's in your default join list after it's deleted. I do feel a little bit bad about never answering most of the people who messaged me, but it probably wasn't a good idea when I was swinging so much between sadness and anger, and now I'm too ashamed to try and reach out to anyone anymore, and a part of me feels that this lonely sort of emptiness is exactly what I deserve.

 

[earl]

Hey friends, it actually has been less than a month since my last post in here, but a lot more has happened since then and I just needed to get it all out again and I really don't want to bother the people I still have in my life, so I'm very sorry for posting again so soon. Hopefully things will stabilize soon and this will become less necessary.

The biggest life event for me since my last post has been, being intentionally vague, being essentially cut out by people who I used to consider friends. I've been going through a lot of struggles irl that I didn't touch on in my last post that have severely impacted my ability to be as present as I would like to be across both sites. My mental health has never been the best, but things got a lot worse as I navigated things like a broken laptop, a car accident, and being disowned, on top of having to make the return to college to struggle and drag myself through another semester of five classes I barely want to be in, so I couldn't be present enough for a few months and now I've lost a lot. It hurts a lot, the moment you realize you were never really anything at all to someone with whom you thought you were close.

These feelings have been poisoning my thoughts for a while now. I find myself asking more and more what it would be like if I wasn't here anymore. Not really even in a suicidal sense, just...what if I disappeared one day? I wonder how many people would notice, how many people would truly miss me. Right now I feel very unimportant. Expendable. Replaceable. It's really reinforced the issues with my view of myself that I outlined in my last post in a big way. I'm sure it's easy to find someone just as capable of doing the things I do and with a lot less of the issues I seem to bring everywhere I go.

While the above was happening, I did something I'm not very proud of. I ended up removing myself from a lot of more socially-oriented places, mostly Discord servers. A few people did reach out to me to ask what happened, I think mostly because this involved deleting my private room on PS, which gives an error popup if it's in your default join list after it's deleted. I do feel a little bit bad about never answering most of the people who messaged me, but it probably wasn't a good idea when I was swinging so much between sadness and anger, and now I'm too ashamed to try and reach out to anyone anymore, and a part of me feels that this lonely sort of emptiness is exactly what I deserve.

people are messaging you about why you left. they clearly care. it gets better. keep going! there’s no reason why you’d deserve to suffer

 

[Theia]

Theia stop spamming the Mental Wellness Thread challenge (impossible).

But for real, this will hopefully be the last post I make here for a bit. I just wanted to give an update of sorts on how things have been for me in the past month or so. Sorry for posting again so soon.

Things are actually, for once, getting better!
- College is still sort of a drag but I've started attending some of my classes again and getting assignments turned in on time. I'm still nowhere near the best student and my anxiety still makes it extremely difficult for me to leave my apartment some days, but it's a step.
- In the month since my breakdown, I've reconnected with a few of the people I was friendly with. Not all of them, but some of them, and I rejoined one of the social Discords I had been part of. I still have lingering feelings of shame about suddenly disconnecting myself from everyone and not answering people's messages though.
- Since being cut off by the group of friends I mentioned in my last post, I've actually found some new places to call home. Ubers especially has been really lovely and has really welcomed me into their community. Huge shoutouts especially to keys and UT for dragging me through the dark place I was in this past month and giving me new places to stay and contribute.
- Speaking of contributing, I've recently started writing analyses, which probably doesn't sound like a big deal but writing is one of the things I really love to do (see TFP badge) but I'd always been afraid of writing analyses because of my general lack of competitive experience. The OMs community has been extremely patient with me while I learn how to write them and improve, and really helped me get some confidence from overcoming that particular hurdle.
- Lastly, it's been about two months since my namechange, and I've really been loving it a lot. Not only has shifting my identity away from everything that happened to me under my old name been helpful, but I've just really liked my new name in general and it feels a lot more "me" than the old one ever did.

Thank you very much to everyone here who has offered their kindness and support while I've been going through this stuff. And thank you just for reading. Hopefully, things will continue to improve, one step at a time.

 

[Light Sanctity]

Snip

You are doing great! School can be difficult / challenging; turning things in is a good thing. Having support during difficult times or someone to talk to is great. Your analyses are good too. They are very different as you have to write them in a way that someone else can understand. Then then they get checked grammatically and may get altered, too. Take things slow and steady; this way you can slowly work into various things to help yourself. We all struggle with many things ( I still do ) but keep yourself up \o/

 

[JTD783]

My life has had a lot of ups and downs recently.

I am currently applying to law school. I intend to complete them all before the end of October since it will improve my admission chances if I apply relatively early. I studied a lot over the summer to increase my LSAT score. However, my score did not change despite all the time and money I invested. That was extremely disappointing, especially since I thought I had improved.

I am also taking a few extra science units to qualify for the patent bar. Of the two classes, which I am taking at a local community college, one is fairly easy and the other is extremely challenging. The latter is basically an upper division biology class that all the premed people have to take and the sheer volume of material to memorize is shocking. It’s not conceptually difficult but the amount of material makes it comparable to the hardest biology classes I took at UCLA. Usurpingly, many of the other students are taking it for their second or third time because the pass rates are low. I regret taking the class but I had to since it was all that worked with my schedule. I still have like half the semester left and I’m already very burnt out. Not looking forward to tonight’s in-person 3 hour lecture (6-9 PM). At least it’s giving me a purpose.

In order to help pay for those classes, LSAT prep, and law school, I am currently working as a substitute teacher. It can be very boring at times if all the class is doing is online work or a test, or something similar that my help isn’t needed for, but it’s rewarding when I’m able to actually teach things. The pay is pretty decent: $150ish dollars per school day is equal to around 18 or 19 per hour. It’s a million times easier than when I worked at Panera over the previous summers. The students seem to like me and I don’t know why. I see myself as boring and I don’t really deviate from whatever the teachers’ plans are. But it’s nice to feel appreciated since no one outside of my family ever compliments me on anything.

This past week has been extremely challenging. Last Tuesday my dog had several strokes and my family and I had to take him to the vet. He had already been experiencing congestive heart failure for several months and we thought he wasn’t going to make it. The vets managed to get him stable with oxygen but he clearly was at the end of the road. On Thursday afternoon his heart stopped beating and my family and I finally had to say goodbye. Even in death he looked very peaceful. Since his breed (King Charles Cavalier spaniel) sleeps a lot he didn’t really look different aside from the lack of a pulse. For reference see the attached image. The vets cremated him I think, so nothing is left of him now but his collar and a few boxes of unfinished treats.

He was extremely important to me and a consistent source of happiness in my life when such sources are otherwise rare and nearly nonexistent. Although I’ve wanted to be dead every day for at least ten years now, I didn’t kill myself in part because I knew my dog would never understand what happened or be able to heal from it. Now that he’s gone it’s a lot harder for me to justify being alive. I am not going to harm myself but the temptation is stronger than ever.

In late July I lost a cousin to suicide. She was in and out of rehab and had all sorts of issues and ended up jumping off a freeway overpass. She was immediately ran over and killed. We aren’t too distantly related, I think her grandma was my grandma’s sister, and the family history of mental illness makes me wonder whether I may do something similar someday.

I am still single and lonely. My problem is the constant tension between wanting company and love while also being very introverted and socially anxious and thus unwilling to go out and socialize, whether or not that results in a relationship. Dating apps haven’t worked well for me in the past and the idea of approaching women in real world settings makes me deeply uncomfortable, especially since I have terrible self esteem and worry that I will creep them out despite having good intentions and communicating politely. Nothing about me has changed and I am increasingly concerned that I will be in the same position in five to ten years from now. At that point I don’t know how I’ll be able to keep living.

One girl from my past, who I had a crush on but fucked things up and the situation is still mentally crippling, is now engaged. She has been dating a guy for a couple years and they had a nice proposal video in front of the Eiffel Tower during their recent vacation in Europe. I am glad to see how truly happy they are together but it still hurts to acknowledge that I wasn’t able to make her happy and it feeds my worry that I won’t have that in my future with someone else. I try to avoid social media, and her social media in particular, since it only serves to remind me of my failures and misery. I am well aware that social media is no more than a highlight reel of other people’s lives. The problem is that I don’t have any highlights at all. Nothing in my life is that great and nothing makes me happy. Except for my dog but he’s dead now.

The good news is that I’m moving forward with my life in terms of my career and long term goals. However, the same mental health problems and unsatisfactory aspects of life continue to cripple me and I honestly don’t want to keep going anymore. I just want to give up and be done with it all. But I’ll have to keep going for the sake of my friends and family. Unlike my cousin (no offense to her, rip) I am not going to let my depression transfer itself via suicide from myself to the people who care about me. I wish I could though.

RIP Apollo. I will always love you.

 

[KMD]

TW: Self-harm

My friend wanted to take a break from me because I was jealous that she was ignoring me for other friends. My obsessive ass wrote to one of her friends. And I panicked to apologize and somehow regain contact. So I started twisting my little fingers and saying I was doing it instead of cutting myself. Of course to her friend. She got really pissed and blocked me for the day. For me it was like ages, because I was crying and shaking all day. She has forgiven me and I am going to therapy, but because it does not bring any results and for the time being I still create smaller problems, she does not want to talk to me and I do not know if she will want to verify if I have changed at all. There is also a further bottom to this story. Our mutual friend told me that she is self-centered and does not respect me because she does not take the time to digest and resolve the conflict with me. I don't know what to think about it, because she told me herself that she didn't like to complain because she thought she was making an attentive of herself. I do not know what to do. If anyone can help me please write on priv.

 

[antemortem]

Some things I’ve been carrying in my daily life recently:

 

[Local Dog]

I am doing mostly good since a while after having a really bad depressive episode late last year, which was probably one of if not the worst phase I've had in my years of depression. Managed to get my mindset sorted out and had good help in therapy and from friends. I also started to reduce my SSRI dose in arrangement with my psychologist (they never worked well in the first place tbh), which improved a lot of things for me (after having had some pretty fucky withdrawal symptoms)

Only thing's that frustrates me currently is my bachelor thesis. Hate working on it. Tedious and monotonous. I think monotony is just always frustrating for me. I hope I'll have it done in a month and be able to return to my hobbies

On the plus side, I am starting a conventional art course in January and I am pretty stocked about it. I hope I can one day work in some creative industry, my dream job would be something like comic book artist

So yeah my future's looking uncertain but I'll figure it out some way I guess

 

[Aqua Jet]

the few of you who know me through discord probably know that I keep changing names, and I honestly think I should probably give an explanation for that. I feel that it's half to move further away from a lot of bad things that have happened in this past year or so.

I definitely relate to this, but assuming these bad things were things that you did/said, the best thing that you can probably do is try to show the people that you feel you've wronged/been rude to that you have changed. If they insist on holding onto the memory of you being rude or whatever, then it is their loss and you can tell yourself that you've done all that you can do since it's impossible to change the past. It's obviously a lot easier to just say "welp you tried, it's time to move on now" than it is to do it, but I've been in the same position as you multiple times and eventually it will happen. If they are truly your friends, they will forgive you. I've been rude/snarky and annoying to my friends on many occasions, and they've done the same to me. Each time we've apologized and tried not to do it again. I remember recently I got into an argument with an online friend of mine and I was being pretty aggressive to them, and once another one of my friends pointed it out I took a step back and apologized because it's really all you can do in that situation. I beleve that true friendship is able to recognize that not everyone has a great day every day and while it isn't ok to get mad at your friend who didn't do anything wrong, it happens because that's just a flaw of being human.

I currently have 39 friends on discord, and honestly, it stresses me out because that's way too much for me because I feel obligated to talk to every single one of them.

I'm of the belief that there are different levels of friendship. There are the close friends that you talk to every day, and then there are the friends that you sort of just know and are on good terms with but don't socialize with them as often. You don't need to talk with all of your friends everyday. Hell, I only speak with some of my IRL friends once every two weeks! I still cherish them, but we both just have busy lives and our schedules don't give us much time to talk to each other. That doesn't make our relationship any less valid.

Hope this helped, and if you wanna talk more you can DM me here or on discord (though I won't have access to discord for a bit so if its soon its probably better to do it here)

 

[KaylaPops]

I've had a set back because I tried two new medications in the last two months and I have had bad side effects with both so now I need to wait a month to try again while my depression, anxiety and OCD have gone up.

 

[Amaranth]

CW Depression

That time of the year again where seasonal depression hits me hard and doing anything gets mentally x1000 times harder for no fucking reason. Hooray. Seventh year in a row. Maybe just maybe this time I've learned and grown enough to cope and fight back sufficiently, but fucking christ I can just feel all my impulses getting duller and my brain operating much much worse and I just wish doing the things I really want to do wasn't such a fucking struggle. My sleep schedule goes out the window super easily too and it's so much harder to keep it in check when I hardly have the volition to do things I'm highly motivated to do. Hence the 4AM posting.
I wonder what would be of me if I wasn't brought up to be so neglectful of myself. I wonder what it'd be like to be in good physical and mental shape and just... do things because I want to. Instead of knowing that I want to do something and still having to work so hard to convince my brain that it's worth doing. It's sickening how little control I feel over my actions and my life at large, especially throughout these months.
I know this winter too will pass. I know brighter months will come and my brain won't be so chemically fucked anymore and I'll enjoy life again. I know, too, that if I look for help in the right places this will all get better and I'm not some hopeless waste of life like I thought I was a few years ago, and still do in my darkest moments. I know I have emotional support from friends and economic support from family that many aren't so lucky to have. But fuck me the thought of facing the next 4-5 months is still beyond scary. It feels like the best I can hope for them is survival and avoiding a full on crisis, and my brain just isn't going to allow me to do anything more.
Every time my mind dives into /something/ that makes me feel temporarily okay and hangs onto it for dear life until I'm deathly sick of it. Many creative projects that never saw the light of day, or SPL, or playing fucking minesweeper for hours on end, I wish I didn't feel compelled to hyperfocus on these things as my only way to survive these months, only to end up hating myself for the inevitably lackluster products of those endeavors. I truly lose all sense of balance.
The rest of this year was good, too. In many many ways I was doing way better with the rest of my life, and to slip back here once again is so fucking annoying. Part of me wants to hide and hibernate and not weigh on people until I'm doing better. I know that's not the answer at all, but every single time I interact with someone and I have the energy of some bedridden elder I just feel fucking awful for showing that to them. And I'm not really a good actor, I can't put on a smile for the camera that isn't blatantly faked, so I don't know what else to do other than trying and trying and trying to feel better and to show people that I'm not doing so bad but god damn if I wouldn't be happy to fall into a coma until it's March and the sunlight is out and my brain isn't glitching anymore. Fuck.
Having to accept that I'm just going to be miserable for the next few MONTHS and drag down people I love, from my SCL team to many many others, is just tough to swallow. Only way forward is trying to fight it and be the best I can anyways, but yeah. I'll find a way I guess. Thanks for reading

 

[Light Sanctity]

It has been a year or so since I posted here and not too much has changed. The only thing I really worry about these days is what I want to do once I finish Under grad; undecided if I want to go to Grad School, or if I want to get a job. This is the only thing that has been worrying me and making me quite stressed. However, lately being able to talk to various people in a private-side discord has been wonderful (when I can join due to family), and while I don't talk too much about it; simply being able to talk (vocally) does make the evenings great. The users' in question are: Sephirona , Max. Optimizer , Xen, Shii (CAW) , Kanon90, and Blueforce (I don't think I missed anyone). I know they you all would think nothing of it, but simply being able to talk does wonders. Other than that, I am doing well. Sometimes get random mood swings but nothing major. The Wi-Fi community has been a major factor (going to be close to 4 years since I joined I think); appreciate you all

 

[I'm Tapu Bulu]

So I've been out for some drinks on Thursday - this has been a tech meetup, and I decided why not. It's been the first time since 2019 when I went out for drinks downtown. It was quite nice actually, I socialized and made some new contacts when I want to enter the IT industry :)

Was really good for my mental health, I've been feeling lonely for a long time now so it was quite a refresh.

 

[DuGuo]

I haven't come here for a long time, even smogon. After leaving for a long time, I decided to write something here again. Even though it is obvious that not many people will care about me, I still want to explain where I went in the past. My boarding school was quarantined for a month because of the COVID-19 epidemic, and I now have online classes at home. Unfortunately, I guess my psychological problems may have worsened in recently time. Want to start from two aspects.
To begin with, I was very confused and did not know what to do during my time at school. I messed up in two exams and was far from my goal. Sometimes I feel that my efforts have not been rewarded, and sometimes I advise myself not to worry, because what should come will always come. But seeing people who work less achieve more, it always makes me feel the world is uneven. What's more, I don't know the direction and goal of my efforts. I can hardly imagine what career I will be in the future and what people i will be. Death in fantasy is probably my best destination.
On the other hand, Even though I have become so-called friends with many people, I am always alone. I regard myself as a lonely person, eager for true friendship. It's a pity that I always distinguish what I say from who he is. Sometimes people think I am their friend, but i can calk to no one when I am depressed. Or sometimes they just use myself as a tool to do something such as make themselves happy or get some goals, i guess. Few people come to me to talk, my initiative.
What I do now is to empty my mind and immerse myself in it, lol. English and mood are very poor, so there may be many mistakes in these words, thanks for reading.

DuGuo on 22.11.3​

 

[Adeleine]

We may not know each other much at all, but your posts in this forum have given me a good impression, so i was happy to see you were back. I hope things get better for you, though.

But seeing people who work less achieve more, it always makes me feel the world is uneven.

Maybe this helps: sometimes the work balances out somewhat in ways that are hard for people to see. I work less to do well in school, but i had to (and still do) work really hard for some stuff that is very easy for other people, like talking, and handling social anxieties and food anxieties. I don't want to pretend the world is fair, you're totally right to be mad that it isn't fair, but maybe what i said helps with that unfairness a little.

 

[Local Dog]

I personally believe that what is fair and what isn't is relative to the person looking at it

I was born with an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother who were both in a shitty economic situation, didn't have the greatest childhood and struggle with a lot of mental health issues. However, I have the physical health of a bull, never struggled academically and gained many friends in the last few years. In a way, I was very privileged. Someone who might've struggled with these things might look at me and think that life was unfair to them

We lack context on the people we meet and see and will always have a very biased view on what is fair and what isn't, especially when we compare ourselves in matters. Surely someone who was born in some noble house in Europe will be better off than someone born disabled in a third world country, and that is one of these cases were you can see that things aren't fair, but in most cases, it's blurry and hard to determine

At the end I don't think you'll ever have a real and unbiased view on what fairness is, and when you try to get one, you'll end up always comparing yourselves to those that seem better off than you. It will just frustrate you and you don't gain anything from it

 

[Briewear]

I've been too scared/embarrassed to post here in the past, but it's gotten to the point where I feel I have no choice. I'm sure most people here don't know and/or don't care about me, but I've been Global Voice and in a few staff positions on Pokémon Showdown! for quite a few months now, and well... I'm getting to the point where I don't think I deserve any of the positions one bit. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect regardless of what I've been told. I'm constantly convincing myself that what I'm thinking is the correct thing to do isn't the correct thing, even something that I think might be helpful/useful I just shut down really. This probably sounds like a load of rubbish so I'll just end it here.
Sorry for anyone who reads this.

 

[bdt2002]

I've been too scared/embarrassed to post here in the past, but it's gotten to the point where I feel I have no choice. I'm sure most people here don't know and/or don't care about me, but I've been Global Voice and in a few staff positions on Pokémon Showdown! for quite a few months now, and well... I'm getting to the point where I don't think I deserve any of the positions one bit. I feel like I'm failing in every aspect regardless of what I've been told. I'm constantly convincing myself that what I'm thinking is the correct thing to do isn't the correct thing, even something that I think might be helpful/useful I just shut down really. This probably sounds like a load of rubbish so I'll just end it here.
Sorry for anyone who reads this.

There's no need to apologize. I was about to make a post of my own about something similar, but this lets me tackle two birds with one stone, so to speak. This sounds like a classic situation of or related to a guilt complex, something that develops within a person when he or she feels adverse reactions/emotions towards his or her actions. The best first step I could recommend to you is to try and take a look at what exactly it is in these staff positions that gives you these guilt-like feelings. This is an issue I find myself dealing with all the time, as someone who has a lot of things he wants to say but is generally afraid to do so for a number of reasons. My best guess is that you've started to feel this way following some sort of negative experience within a staff member/Global Voice position, and it made you wonder if your response/reaction at the time was quote "correct".

Now onto my own post that I would normally make its own post but I'm going to include here in an effort to avoid double posting. I just got done with my weekly counseling appointment about ten minutes ago and during our meeting, my counselor brought up something really interesting. I mentioned to her that I hadn't been feeling very well for a few days this past week, and how this onset of sickness came immediately after a very stressful sequence of events during the middle of the week on Tuesday and Wednesday. She suggested that due to the connections between the mind and the body, my immune system was acting up because of the negative experience I had prior. Among other things, what started as me figuratively losing my voice later manifested as a physical symptom as early as Thursday morning that last all the way until yesterday. Simply put, I was wondering if anyone had any more insight on this theory.

 

[SirinC&Kokomi]

Hi there, although it seems strange for us to talking here, but My English writing exams screwed up I believe we could get a better understanding through reading&thinking a language with some distance in our first sight.

To begin with, I was very confused and did not know what to do during my time at school. I messed up in two exams and was far from my goal. Sometimes I feel that my efforts have not been rewarded, and sometimes I advise myself not to worry, because what should come will always come. But seeing people who work less achieve more, it always makes me feel the world is uneven. What's more, I don't know the direction and goal of my efforts. I can hardly imagine what career I will be in the future and what people i will be. Death in fantasy is probably my best destination.

There’s Sth that we can’t deny that the subjects does not make a big influence on what we’ll gonna do (if we are not interested in basic knowledge exploring).The scores doesn’t define everything.No matter how perfectly others do it,just find your progresses each time and focus on avoiding the mistakes next time.What matters is the things we really love and good at,for instance, I really appreciate your poems which is thought provoking. Every being has its value to exist.Give the world a chance be fore u give up to represent the best view of this world and self. envies recovery and ability to sweep,while always wanna survive special attacks which can tank.

We lack context on the people we meet and see and will always have a very biased view on what is fair and what isn't, especially when we compare ourselves in matters.

It is true that every success comes with sacrifices.Without the damage calculator defense investment, cannot dance safely among some attackers while lost some instant damage.We see others doin well and actin well,but they might be working much harder behind schools.Even not,it’s also a nice thing to study from them,take their advantages to improve self.Their success doesn’t come from nothing.A much effective learning method or a useful notebook may be the key to your improvement.When observing others, try analyze the inner effects but not conclude in “He is just born better than me”.Focus on the facts rather than the event itself may make you better.

On the other hand, Even though I have become so-called friends with many people, I am always alone. I regard myself as a lonely person, eager for true friendship. It's a pity that I always distinguish what I say from who he is. Sometimes people think I am their friend, but i can calk to no one when I am depressed. Or sometimes they just use myself as a tool to do something such as make themselves happy or get some goals, i guess. Few people come to me to talk, my initiative.

Making friends takes much time,but if u wanna someone to talk with,we guys,and PS China are always there.
People has their own comfort zones,especially entering a new period of schooling life.My senior1 remained at the same school,but classmates totally changed to another bunch of students coming from another same school.Yep,I’m the isolated person in my OWN school.But once I put effort in knowing others deeply,some of them know my characteristics and allows me to join their social zone.It takes time,but it’s worth it.
Others take pleasure from someone else’s pain,it’s common that it happens everywhere.Just avoid meeting those people,or using clear disagreements to express your uncomfort.If crucial,use the law(school rules) to guar your rights properly.
However,it is worth notice that a true friend is so valuable that it might sustain for a lifelong.U just need time to meet the one desired,just as and

What I do now is to empty my mind and immerse myself in it, lol. English and mood are very poor, so there may be many mistakes in these words.

​

​

Empty your mind thouroughly,but not immerse in anything would help.Non-senior high semesters still have a dozen of activities for u to join.Make your best effort in it,and try to make yourself shine.I believe it can make your social environment better.
P.S.There’s a strange belief in me:Moods are just hormones tricking around our heads.We can all control it if we wanna to,and paid our effort.
Not a good lecturer,but I sincerely hope this could help.

 

[SirinC&Kokomi]

Also,here’s a little strat maybe could make things better.

How to deal with the Mood?
Bad ways:
ragequit:u get free loses
unaware:it only let it worse,as dies to gunk shot,and dies to energyball
Even ways:
wait:stall it wears it down,but makes your team and mindmore weakened
used roar:changing the angle u look at,but still need to deal it after

Gud ways:
Tackle it quickly before it sets up your mood
used heart swap:transform your mood into motivation
:face your mood bravely

 

[bdt2002]

I have a confession I need to make about something this morning. Saying “No” to certain people can be pretty hard for me. What does this have to do with mental wellness? That’s an easy one to answer. Many times in the past people have asked me if I’ve wanted to do something, and more and more I find it difficult to say what I think of of fear/guilt of not wanting to disappoint them. In recent years this has come up when talking to my college friends about various topics, including this past month in regards to “a certain Nintendo Switch game that’s coming out soon”, if you know what I mean.

Case in point, I’ve made the decision that for the first time in 12 years, I want to pass on getting one of these games, at least for now. The problem? There’s people that might be counting on me playing the game, one of whom I even made a promise to because this particular friend rarely has anyone else to play games with. There’s no doubt I’ll continue to be mad at myself if I keep doing these things, but I want your opinions on what I should actually do. Any help is appreciated. :)

 

[DeepBlueC]

I have a confession I need to make about something this morning. Saying “No” to certain people can be pretty hard for me. What does this have to do with mental wellness? That’s an easy one to answer. Many times in the past people have asked me if I’ve wanted to do something, and more and more I find it difficult to say what I think of of fear/guilt of not wanting to disappoint them. In recent years this has come up when talking to my college friends about various topics, including this past month in regards to “a certain Nintendo Switch game that’s coming out soon”, if you know what I mean.

Case in point, I’ve made the decision that for the first time in 12 years, I want to pass on getting one of these games, at least for now. The problem? There’s people that might be counting on me playing the game, one of whom I even made a promise to because this particular friend rarely has anyone else to play games with. There’s no doubt I’ll continue to be mad at myself if I keep doing these things, but I want your opinions on what I should actually do. Any help is appreciated. :)

Hey, I can totally relate to the difficulty of saying "No," especially when you've given someone your word and then you go back on it, because now it can seem like your integrity is compromised or that your word doesn't have much of a value.

So there's two things here that are in play:
A) how to not let this specific friend down; and
B) how to deal with this same situation (saying "No") in the future.

For now, just focus on A). I see that (1) you don't wish to get the new game, and (2) you'll feel that your friend would experience some loneliness because outside of you, he/she has no one else to play with. Ask yourself if there is a valid reason for you not wanting to get the game (e.g. is it no interest in pokemon, don't have the financial means to purchase it), and if it is valid, then you are not obligated to go through getting the new game. As far as overcoming your friend's loneliness is concerned, you're not limited to playing Pokemon (there are other games) or you can find other activities (like a video call, group watching a show) to help combat his/her loneliness.

For point B), I would suggest talking to a therapist because difficulty in saying "No" could be a multi-layered issue, like not wanting to disappoint others means that you want them to still like you despite delivering bad news; wanting to still be liked means that you wish to be a people-pleaser, and that is unrealistic as you can't please everyone. A therapist/mental health professional would be the most well-equipped person to help you with this.

Good luck and hope it all works out!

 

[Adeleine]

I have a confession I need to make about something this morning. Saying “No” to certain people can be pretty hard for me. What does this have to do with mental wellness? That’s an easy one to answer. Many times in the past people have asked me if I’ve wanted to do something, and more and more I find it difficult to say what I think of of fear/guilt of not wanting to disappoint them. In recent years this has come up when talking to my college friends about various topics, including this past month in regards to “a certain Nintendo Switch game that’s coming out soon”, if you know what I mean.

Case in point, I’ve made the decision that for the first time in 12 years, I want to pass on getting one of these games, at least for now. The problem? There’s people that might be counting on me playing the game, one of whom I even made a promise to because this particular friend rarely has anyone else to play games with. There’s no doubt I’ll continue to be mad at myself if I keep doing these things, but I want your opinions on what I should actually do. Any help is appreciated. :)

This may help. Think about the situation from your friend's point of view. If you were that friend, would you want a friend to spend sixty bucks and a lot of time on an experience they don't actually want? I wouldn't want that, if I were your friend, and I don't think you would either.

I know this sort of process can be difficult for some not all nd people, myself included. Maybe you'll rationally agree with me but still feel that itch internally, and if so, I get it. I've been there. What can help me is finding something I really get or care about and tying the situation back to that. If you really care about being fair, for example, feeling pressured to buy A Certain Game is unfair–its good friends look out for each other, but it's not likely their responsibility to spend sixty bucks on something they don't like. As DBC said, maybe there are other activities you two can do together! Whatever works for you.