Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[yureion]

i have days you cant draw more than at best a "ha, yes please stop talking to me" smile
while other days ill be the goofiest guy in the room.

just my natural persona and i understand some dont know how to read but it can be tiring when ppl wanna be silly with me when i wanna be left to me.

 

[Fishin]

We live in times where it is in no means necessary to have a child. I mean there is no obligation to society.
As a human you can stronger focus on what makes you happy. Wether this is carreer, hobbys, travelling...

I dunno. In a purely biological sense, the purpose of all life is reproduction and passing on your genes; some part of me feels like failing to do that means failing as a person, even if the rest of me knows better.

 

[bdt2002]

It says I've posted in this thread before, but I don't recall doing so, and I've been looking for the better part of the past 5-10 minutes straight for where my last message would be and I still can't find it. Not to worry, because this new post is about something entirely different anyways.

Let me take you back to the summer of 2018. Things were great for me at the time. I was still really interested in other things, and I was done with a year of high school that was rather stressful at times. It was also the year my older brother graduated from that same high school, and following our older sister's success, I had reason to be happy for him as well. Unfortunately, this was the last time I can remember when I used to be my old, cheery self. Every summer break since then has been very stressful for different reasons, and I mention this because my current summer break just started within the past 24 hours. Basically, I've got myself into a situation where I've primed myself to believe this next three months will be a very stressful time despite having no real reason to believe that. The month of June of 2021, I might add, was probably the single hardest month of my life up to this point, and the one positive thing I can say about that is that after a month like that, I've had nowhere to go but up.

 

[Fishy]

considering all the weed i haven't been smoking as much of lately, my mind has started to unravel and process many of the things that i might otherwise ignore or try to put behind me because they don't serve me:

the fact that i had to cut off my relationship with my dad, most likely indefinitely
traumas i lived through from my previous relationship
connecting dots and noticing patterns from my youth that affect me today, good and bad

i was musing to my partner today about how whenever i want to get high it isn't to lose focus, but really to be able to SELECT a focus from the endless possibilities of a waking existence. i realize that pattern recognition is something that i love and am given to fixate on at any moment, rhythms of the world, bouncing a leg at a pace that feels best, twiddling hair the same way... i dunno. i get high so that i can enjoy all these perceptions rather than be stressed out trying to process them all at once, or stressed attempting to select one to focus on based on merit, rather than based on good feels

so in the wake of wanting to lower my tolerance a bit and refresh my enjoyment of being stoned, i've been doing it significantly less, and my mind has been left to drudge up a bunch of stuff i've otherwise subdued... a little depressing, but i realize part of processing drudged up stuff is healthy grief, so i am bummed out realizing past traumas and linking them to past and current events, but also comforting myself knowing they're well behind me

 

[Violet]

Hey, I think I'm feeling emotionally broken enough to warrant a post in here after following the thread for a while. I generally don't feel great being open about my non-ironic negativity, but I'm here in hopes of achieving some catharsis and giving my eyes a bit of a rest.

Hide

The last college admissions cycle was, statistically speaking, the worst in admissions history. I'm sure a lot of people on this site are already aware of it or have had the misfortune of experiencing it themselves. Unfortunately, I was one of the many whom the process did not favor (especially test-optional policies). I applied to nearly 20 schools without getting in to even a single target. The few "good" schools I did get into were financially unfeasible from the beginning (owing to out of state financial aid policies), leaving me with safeties that I can't say I feel any sort of enthusiasm towards. It's been a really harsh hit on my ego; I was confident I was capable of more than what I ended up with. I was flippant to the point that I believed the situation in front of me wasn't even a possible reality. I never really had the best mental state to begin with (as is likely standard with the average pokemon showdown dot com user), but the college dilemma has exacerbated my emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities tenfold. People have told and will continue to tell me that self-worth shouldn't be validated by a school you do or don't get into, life doesn't end here, the schools I got into are still good, and so on and so forth. I am so fucking sick and tired of being told these things as if they're revelatory statements. I feel constantly envious of those around me, frustrated by my seeming lack of capability, talent, and intelligence, and angered at the systems that seem to work against me. It's even been one of the only times where I've felt negatively towards my own race. It feels so fucking terrible contemplating whether or not ticking that little "Asian/Pacific Islander" box was responsible in shifting my results, even if it likely didn't at all. There's so much I wish I did differently, so much I wish I knew prior, but we all know that retrospection is an ultimately fruitless endeavor. Comparison to both those around me and those I've never met also continues to plague me. I want to know more, I want to have better opportunities, I want to look differently, I want to speak differently, I want to feel differently, I want to have the talents that I see other people have, and I want the skills that I do have to magically improve; I don't want to stagnate or fall behind more than I already have. It's not that I want to be a specific already existing person, but that I feel so dissatisfied and frustrated with the person I am. I've never had a problem with how others perceive me, or at least I've never really cared, but it's my own self-valuation that I can't seem to solve. I think a lot of this is a pretty lame first world problem; I still have the opportunity to go to college and carve out a path with what I have, not to mention that I'll try my fucking ass off to transfer out to some schools I hold legitimate interest in. Still, I can't help feeling miserable about failing to measure up to my own expectations, let alone my parents, friends, and teachers. I have too much pride and ambition to bear being average. Success is not contingent on attending specific undergraduate institutions, but I'll be damned if it doesn't help. It is almost certainly possible that I overvalue prestige, but I staked too much of myself on chasing that prestige to back down now.

Tl;dr, college admissions suck ass and I've been feeling like shit even more than usual. Hopefully I didn't come off as too much of a pretentious fuck, thankful to this thread for giving me the opportunity to ramble a bit.
If anyone else is in a similar situation, feel free to reach out and I'll be happy to bitch about College Board and testing policies with you!

 

[scorbunnys]

Hey, I think I'm feeling emotionally broken enough to warrant a post in here after following the thread for a while. I generally don't feel great being open about my non-ironic negativity, but I'm here in hopes of achieving some catharsis and giving my eyes a bit of a rest.
The last college admissions cycle was, statistically speaking, the worst in admissions history. I'm sure a lot of people on this site are already aware of it or have had the misfortune of experiencing it themselves. Unfortunately, I was one of the many whom the process did not favor (especially test-optional policies). I applied to nearly 20 schools without getting in to even a single target. The few "good" schools I did get into were financially unfeasible from the beginning (owing to out of state financial aid policies), leaving me with safeties that I can't say I feel any sort of enthusiasm towards. It's been a really harsh hit on my ego; I was confident I was capable of more than what I ended up with. I was flippant to the point that I believed the situation in front of me wasn't even a possible reality. I never really had the best mental state to begin with (as is likely standard with the average pokemon showdown dot com user), but the college dilemma has exacerbated my emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities tenfold. People have told and will continue to tell me that self-worth shouldn't be validated by a school you do or don't get into, life doesn't end here, the schools I got into are still good, and so on and so forth. I am so fucking sick and tired of being told these things as if they're revelatory statements. I feel constantly envious of those around me, frustrated by my seeming lack of capability, talent, and intelligence, and angered at the systems that seem to work against me. It's even been one of the only times where I've felt negatively towards my own race. It feels so fucking terrible contemplating whether or not ticking that little "Asian/Pacific Islander" box was responsible in shifting my results, even if it likely didn't at all. There's so much I wish I did differently, so much I wish I knew prior, but we all know that retrospection is an ultimately fruitless endeavor. Comparison to both those around me and those I've never met also continues to plague me. I want to know more, I want to have better opportunities, I want to look differently, I want to speak differently, I want to feel differently, I want to have the talents that I see other people have, and I want the skills that I do have to magically improve; I don't want to stagnate or fall behind more than I already have. It's not that I want to be a specific already existing person, but that I feel so dissatisfied and frustrated with the person I am. I've never had a problem with how others perceive me, or at least I've never really cared, but it's my own self-valuation that I can't seem to solve. I think a lot of this is a pretty lame first world problem; I still have the opportunity to go to college and carve out a path with what I have, not to mention that I'll try my fucking ass off to transfer out to some schools I hold legitimate interest in. Still, I can't help feeling miserable about failing to measure up to my own expectations, let alone my parents, friends, and teachers. I have too much pride and ambition to bear being average. Success is not contingent on attending specific undergraduate institutions, but I'll be damned if it doesn't help. It is almost certainly possible that I overvalue prestige, but I staked too much of myself on chasing that prestige to back down now.
Tl;dr, college admissions suck ass and I've been feeling like shit even more than usual. Hopefully I didn't come off as too much of a pretentious fuck, thankful to this thread for giving me the opportunity to ramble a bit.
If anyone else is in a similar situation, feel free to reach out and I'll be happy to bitch about College Board and testing policies with you!

Honestly I'm rly bad at giving advices n I actually don't fully find comfortable doing so most of the time, but honestly I find really identified w ur situation, as even tho I'm actually admittedly not a bad student (I honestly feel like I'm bad at everything else tho), I definitely don't learn and I honestly feel like nobody cares.
So honestly I'm not here to say "dw every1 is different" or "you're not just a grade, dw" because it'd be clearly dismissing your situation, but one thing u could do is try to find something u like, it doesn't have to be something ur rly good at, just something u enjoy n that also makes u feel good, it probably doesn't help short-term, but it's eventually helpful when u find what u enjoy doing and that can even help w grades and stuff (school system ain't good rly so I can't assure tho, but what I can assure is that you'll feel much better).
I also kinda get when u say that ur tired of labels, they can be really annoying, but remember, they're just here to tear u down, they don't do anything n they also shouldn't exist, you're a worth person (this is cliche, I know) not matter ur race or ur grades, just remember that ur not here to measure other ppl expectations, ur here to measure ur own expectations, and who knows, maybe what u expect is not what society actually expects u to do well enough.
Stay safe! Also I know I shouldn't be writing at 12am but it 100% was worth it (also toxic positivism is rly ass, I know, as I have to deal w it every day).

 

[bdt2002]

It says I've posted in this thread before, but I don't recall doing so, and I've been looking for the better part of the past 5-10 minutes straight for where my last message would be and I still can't find it. Not to worry, because this new post is about something entirely different anyways.

Let me take you back to the summer of 2018. Things were great for me at the time. I was still really interested in other things, and I was done with a year of high school that was rather stressful at times. It was also the year my older brother graduated from that same high school, and following our older sister's success, I had reason to be happy for him as well. Unfortunately, this was the last time I can remember when I used to be my old, cheery self. Every summer break since then has been very stressful for different reasons, and I mention this because my current summer break just started within the past 24 hours. Basically, I've got myself into a situation where I've primed myself to believe this next three months will be a very stressful time despite having no real reason to believe that. The month of June of 2021, I might add, was probably the single hardest month of my life up to this point, and the one positive thing I can say about that is that after a month like that, I've had nowhere to go but up.

I’m back, everyone. Consider this next post as a bit of a follow-up to my last.

For years I’ve believed that there exists some sort of way to keep track of how we feel about doing things for ourselves and others relative to the other people around us. I find that several of the world’s most pressing mental wellness issues come up when we start to compare ourselves to others, an all-too-easy trap to fall into. On the other hand, what I haven’t found is why I still feel so guilty for every little thing I do or think these days. Despite my last message and a few others on other threads, it’s only continued to get worse. I’ve started to use the term “guilt complex” to describe how I feel about life, but it doesn’t seem like anyone in my in-person life is getting the picture.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m growing up and I’m a lazy, horrible person who doesn’t want to work but know that it needs done. In cases like that, I’m perfectly fine with working, but I never feel any satisfaction from completing a given task because five more tasks come immediately after it. Maybe it’s the fact that whenever I have tried to talk to my family about this, it doesn’t result in anything worthwhile because they un-intentionally remind me that my best talent in this world is that of giving up early. Even after simple, mundane tasks like helping around my grandparents’ house this weekend (great people, they are) have a way of making me feel like this. Why I’m even talking about this online with a bunch of strangers when I’m currently in a terrible mood… I have no idea.

 

[sanguine]

I'm a dynasty
The pain in my vein is hereditary
Dynasty
Running in my bloodstream, my bloodstream
Dynasty
And if that's all that I'm gonna be
Won't you break the chain with me?

I'm a bad writer, but I had some things I needed to get off my chest.

I almost didn't post this but my friends said I should.

content warning

Lately, I've been reflecting on my personal intergenerational traumas. I'm not proud to admit it, but this is a result of many long nights and devoted listens to Kendrick Lamar's Mr. Morale and the Big Steppers. Say what you want about the album, but I think anyone will admit that the work's raw emotionality and candor forces the listener to engage not only with the person Kendrick is, but also how they relate or not relate to the situations and scenarios that brought him to be the person he is today. I know I did.

My family is from Vietnam. Specifically, they immigrated to the United States after the Fall of Saigon. I don't know the full story, only the bits and pieces gleaned after a full childhood's worth of exasperated comments on my relative privilege in my upbringing compared to my mother and her sisters, and I don't really feel right to try and dig up their pain and agony for my own personal gain, but I think I have enough to come to some conclusions. I know they moved around a lot, I know they were poor, I know that they themselves had a lot of internal strife. My mother during my later formative years often used her anecdote of moving out at sixteen due to her own issues with my grandmother as some kind of example of an ability to achieve economic independence at an early age, but considering what I know about the shifting nature of the economy since the late 1980s and how unlikely those sorts of successes are in general, it never really came off that way. But I digress, it's come to me recently that being poor and escaping war in that fashion leaves lasting imprints on how you perceive the world around you. It prioritizes survival and navigation of the decidedly foreign new world over everything else, reinforcing ideas of tight familial units and cohorts, rigid in their structure and hierarchy, without much regard for the feelings of those raised within those environments. Eastern culture is already highly stratified in its domestic arrangements, always placing seniority over equality, and it seems to me that the mental damage and stress of the ordeal of surviving your country getting bombed into the Stone Age, finding your way out of a repressive regime, and the ensuing struggle for economic stability in the new environment only served to amplify and exacerbate the unhealthy aspects of such settings.

Contrast this with my Western style of thinking: Generally, in The West, arguments are won and lost based on the merits and contents of the logic involved, everyone has the same or at least similar value in their worthiness of being heard regardless of their economic contribution to the household, and righteousness is given precedent over peace. I've been subsumed by these values, and I hold them close to my heart because they're all I've ever really known. This is a stark difference with what those raising me believed in, as mentioned previously. This civilizational / cultural contrast caused a lot of bickering and disagreement as I grew up and started trying to figure out the world for myself. They never understood why I railed and protested so fiercely against their attempts to rein me in, to bring me in harmony with what they thought to be the ideal form of residential order. They never really understood why I liked to do things in solitude. They never understood the problem I had with how oppressive it felt at times to be at home or why I reacted so intensely when condescended to. They never understood my limitations emotionally or physically. I think deep down they felt as if I could do anything, that I was a wunderkind, a prodigy within their ranks, and wanted to nurture that potential in the only way they knew how. They only expressed this through backhanded praise during long lectures though, making me suspicious of positive reinforcement in general, which will come up later. Because of this lack of shared understanding, communication was fraught and rarely had, and only happened when it was too late: when emotions boiled over and the unsaid was made audible, where mutually assured destruction was the only possible result. I never really felt loved, either, because of how wide the divide really was between us, despite the fact that at some level I know they were trying their best to express it in the day to day.

My eventual and almost inevitable suicide attempt to come didn't change matters much either.

All of this has stunted and frustrated and confounded my attempts to build meaningful relationships in general. The lack of comfort I felt at home has caused me to engage in the most futile of follies, trying to find a love of self through the love of others. Not only are humans fickle beings, but any endeavors at trying to build me up from those I hold dear were met with deaf ears, I couldn't see or feel or sense any of the good in me that they could so easily and readily find apparent. It is a matter of great serendipity for me that they still have the patience to continually try anyway, despite my repeated insistences to the contrary. When faced with potential for a new friendship, I attach too quickly and too recklessly, stepping over implicit boundaries seemingly obvious to others without much care, because I was and maybe still am that desperate to find someone else to connect to because I've never had that feeling of safety in my relationships for long, which is a sort of self fulfilling prophecy, evidently enough. I'm honest to a fault to everyone who's willing to listen because that's how I was raised, and I never really experienced anything different growing up. I have trouble with tact and diplomatic language, because that's the only way I learned how to express myself to others, growing up in a home reminiscent of a pressure cooker. Now, this isn't the whole truth. Some of the roots underlying my many mistakes have been indeed because of how I was brought up into the world, and some of it was youth. However, there have been points where I should've just known better.

To those I've hurt, made uncomfortable, drove off, etcetera:

I'm sorry, I know I've fucked up.

I'm doing my best to work on it (I've gone to a lot of therapy, I'm actively taking psychiatric medications, and I've even moved out of the toxic home situation at great risk to myself)

I hope you can find it within yourselves to forgive me, or at least sympathize with where I'm at and where I've been.

Anyways, as I sit here, homeless, pondering and writing out the driving factors behind my many mental health and relational battles, broader questions are seeping into my consciousness.

Am I doomed to suffer?

With the the impending anthropological ecological collapse all but certain, Capitalism forever shrinking the amount of those with any form of marginal wealth and therefore power and individual freedom to pursue happiness, and my own recurring mental health struggles in mind, it all seems to be getting worse if not yearly than daily. My life has been a string of unfortunate dice rolls and planets out of alignment, and occasionally it feels as if it's a never ending string of tough luck, fallacious as I know that type of thinking to be.

Am I bound to implode under the weight of this suffering, even if it's not fully insurmountable?

I've teetered on the edge of mental soundness for as long as I can remember, forever dancing just out of the clutches of the black maw of my own self destructive tendencies. I wonder quite often if there's going to a day where it's all too much, where the fighting spirit totally drains from my body, when I finally capitulate to my worst temptations and send myself to the next life. I've already seen omens of this very possibility come to be; When when i was younger, I used to have this boundless passion; this sort of unflappable belief in myself and the ability of the world to bend my way. I previously was so certain in everything I stood for, flawed as those things were. Nowadays, I'm filled with much ennui. I'm weary and beaten down. I'm tired from feeling like a fuckup all the time. I suppose I am also calmer, but that comes at the cost of feeling less alive and less like a person. Somewhere in the crucible of adolescence and abuse and anxiety, I lost a lot of ability to genuinely feel hope in this cold void, and it weighs on me frequently.

Sometimes, it feels as if I don't have any more to give, any more strength to continue, and yet I always manage to find a way to keep going, somehow.

Something else that distresses me is that i the answers to the above questions are both in the negatory, how do I even begin to transcend my suffering?

I don't know, but maybe an answer will present itself in due time, and all I have to be is patient.

I don't know if that's likely though.

The not knowing is killer.

At present, I'm so full of ambiguity and uncertainty about anything I'm going through that I struggle to find any sense of happiness or groundedness in this world.

The feeling is like a boa constrictor in the shape of an ouroboros, forever eating its own tail and tightening the noose around my neck, cutting off the air supply to other thoughts that would keep me sane and coherent.

Perhaps, it's what I deserve.

Perhaps, it's all for the best.

Perhaps, I will struggle with the idea of "perhaps" until the very last of my mortal days, whether that comes sooner or later.

Or perhaps I won't.

I won't pretend to be even close to intelligent or worldly enough to have a succinct and satisfying solution, but I guess that's okay.

if there's anything i've learned in my short time on earth, it's that it's okay to not know. it's okay to not understand the circumstances around you and where they will lead you, just as everyone else doesn't understand the reasons behind the cosmic mise-en-scène that has placed any of us in our current positions in life's grand stage play.

it's part of being human.

and there's really something truly connecting;

something truly hopeful about that, isn't there?

i'm sanguine#3517 on discord if anybody wants to chat.

 

[Catalisador]

I just keep writting it on my arm with pretty pens. Take care of yourself.

 

[justdrew]

I think I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve ruined my relationship and it feels like I’ve ruined my life. I let my depression take hold and change who I am as a person. I feel like giving up. I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear. I feel too awful to live in a world where I have to deal with what I’ve done.

And just for some context I didn’t do anything explicitly wrong. I was just a bad boyfriend because I got so depressed I stopped putting in effort and said things I regret. I struggled with addiction as wells Like I said I just feel like disappearing, you know?

I want to improve, I do. But I just feel so low all I want to do is nothing at all. I can’t describe what I’m feeling but it’s almost the worst feeling I’ve ever had. Just didn’t know who to say this to. I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel better. I hope I wake up and everything is okay. But it won’t be.

I don’t know how to move forward, I just hope there is a way. But more importantly, I hope I have the strength to find it.

 

[dice]

For any mentally ill person reading this thread, here's how I've stayed alive for 25 years: you have to change to feel better. The onus is on you to be happy.

There are days where you can't, where brushing your teeth and eating applesauce is an achievement to be lauded. But on other days, where you have an iota of energy to muster, you have to do something.

Start small. Micro-movements can cause huge shifts over time. Stretch, do yoga, go on a walk, or work out a couple times a week and slowly incorporate it into your routine. Begin a journal, invest in that hobby you have had a cursory interest in but never delved into, or perhaps work on a meditative practice. Depression often stems from not having an avenue to expel your woes. If you're devastatingly ill, consider therapy, medication, and a doctor's visit and work with a professional to feel better.

Mental illness, in mine and others' experiences, is cyclical. At times, the lethargy feels unreal, the intrusive thoughts are inescapable, and it's a total fucking load of shit being in my body. And that feeling always passes. And then I feel like a capable human being able to conquer every task doled out to me. And that feeling always passes. It's a ceaseless ebb and flow that, after years of practice, I haven't mastered, but I've been able to raft the mazy waters with greater ease.

Hide

The thing I have learned about this website is that it is a hub of depressed people. People who often put down others just to get an emotional spike to escape their own person. People who are often rejected from their own communities and social circles in real life that desperately cling onto internet clout as an escapism. If you want to feel better—and my own experiences agree with this—and you are incredibly depressed: I implore you to get far, far away from the vestibule of public Smogon communities. Find your group of people, forge that community, and accept that this is not a space for proper human engagement. You can still derive joy from it while accepting that sad reality.

Finally, I have realized throughout the years that there is no perfect identifier for mental illness. I experienced, and witness often, the need for depressive materialism: a holistic diagnosis of why you are the way you are. More and more micro-identities have formed surrounding mental illness (and really, everything), and I believe that accepting there is no real answer is the path forward. We are all fucked up in a bunch of ways. Childhood trauma is part and parcel to living in this world, and you experienced it. Tapping into your body and soul, more and more, will parse out why you are the way you are. Depression is real, but mental illnesses at large are manufactured taxonomies which lack so much nuance. They don't explain your person, they just recognize a pattern of symptoms, many of which don't fit together nicely in a bundle. And often, my own symptoms shift from day to day, mood to mood, hour to hour.

Yes, people will get tired of your shit if you're depressed and don't make an effort to better yourself. It's boring. You lose people. That's part of life. And that should be a motivation to get better. Depressed people are unintentionally selfish so often.

Yes, systemic barriers are real. I am a disabled person and have been privy to loads of ableism. You can't magically think away racism, homo/transphobia, etc. that you experience.

But if you dive into despair, you're missing so much beauty bound within the world. The potential for creation. The potential for community and making the world a better place for yourself and others. And, of course, the potential to be happy. If you don't make small steps, you won't get anywhere.

 

[TailGlowVM]

Life is the best gift you can get: it allows anything you can do, and there is no more when it ends. With just one small change in the past, you probably never got to exist. You can't control if and when you get your gift, but it's up to you how you use it when you do, and while we all wish we could have done some things differently, and we don't all get the same privileges and opportunities as each other, we have to remember that what has been done is done, but what we haven't done we can still choose. There will always be some way everyone can improve: you could live thousands and thousands of lives and still never be perfect, but we have just one, and you should consider yourself lucky you got yours in the most advanced species that has and possibly ever will get to exist on this planet, in a time that seems to be a pretty good one, and you get a life that lasts for the best part of a century (mayflies only live about a day). Maybe we are all part of some greater plan, or maybe there is no purpose to anything in the grand scheme of the universe, but the world will never be the same without each and every living thing that has ever existed in this world, including you. You have made differences to many other lives, probably millions of different ones indirectly throughout your life, and the cycle will go on. Even if you didn't make the best decisions so far, there are still decades for you to change that, and it isn't and will never be too late to change, but what are you waiting for?

 

[mushamu]

I think I’ve hit rock bottom. I’ve ruined my relationship and it feels like I’ve ruined my life. I let my depression take hold and change who I am as a person. I feel like giving up. I don’t want to die, I just want to disappear. I feel too awful to live in a world where I have to deal with what I’ve done.

And just for some context I didn’t do anything explicitly wrong. I was just a bad boyfriend because I got so depressed I stopped putting in effort and said things I regret. I struggled with addiction as wells Like I said I just feel like disappearing, you know?

I want to improve, I do. But I just feel so low all I want to do is nothing at all. I can’t describe what I’m feeling but it’s almost the worst feeling I’ve ever had. Just didn’t know who to say this to. I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel better. I hope I wake up and everything is okay. But it won’t be.

I don’t know how to move forward, I just hope there is a way. But more importantly, I hope I have the strength to find it.

Hey Drew, it's been a while since this post and I hope you're feeling better about the situation. I also hope your depression has gotten better. For the situation itself, I think it's important to communicate with your significant other and your friends and family how you're feeling so that they know if you need some space to sort things out. Depression can cause people to hurt the ones they love dearly unintentionally; I went through it in the past and I'm sure a lot of other people have too. I think part of meaningful relationships is the ability to communicate your own emotions to the other person so that they understand where you're coming from because they care about who you are.

It definitely sucks that a relationship was ruined, and it sounds harsh, but that's in the past now. I think you're a good dude; I've spoken to you personally and even though I don't know you in real life but I know that you constantly try to support others in the UU community by being a tutor, UUSD manager, as well as a consistent contributor-even though these traits are only on this website, it stems from the gift of having the motivation to help other people and I'm sure you reflect on these values in some way, shape, or form in real life. Please don't "feel too awful" about living in this world; you're a good person that just got the short end of the stick by life and reacted accordingly. It's also admirable that you analyzed the situation because that helps it be a learning experience.

I agree with dice when they said moving forward takes baby steps; healing takes time, as well as correcting old habits. With that being said, I think there's definitely a way to move forward if you haven't found it already. I would suggest focusing on other things; things that make you happy like your personal interests or spending time with your other loved ones while finding ways to work on yourself (in your case, getting help with depression and addiction). I don't know if you ended up fixing things in the relationship that was lost but if you didn't, then just remember that you're a good dude that has the potential for more relationships down the line; just keep finding ways to improve yourself. Also remember that it's okay to feel sad; recognizing that you're hurting is also recognizing that you're human-and you can always lean onto other humans for support in times like these. People are meant to help each other. You got this man :)

hey im posting a situation ive been going through to see whether or not anyone has felt the same

basically i figured out due to recent events that im an incredibly toxic person; its not really my own fault that much but its because of certain things that have happened to me in the past. but i realized its done things to be like having me constantly need validation, become easily frustrated or emotional when something happens, and im overly sensitive especially when someone hits a trauma trigger which there are many. ive realized im really emotionally damaged and insecure

i ended up hurting someone recently because i responded badly to them with a kneejerk reaction. they wanted to change things in our friendship but i took it as they really didnt like me and want to talk to me anymore and i hurt them by telling them by instantly saying we needed to cut things off, which made them feel attacked. they were one of my best friends too and we're no longer on talking terms. im hurting right now a lot because i feel like i really didnt analyze the situation that well; i just instantly reacted with cutting someone off because in my head, i hated the idea that someone might be displeased with me and that caused me to behave irrationally. this is not ok, i shouldnt do this for obvious reasons and i want to be able to think rationally.

i really think i should stop having really deep connections to people because i feel like i will come off the wrong way and hurt them. i dont want someone to feel like im their friend and then if they set me off im suddenly cold and distant to them. i want to stop having really deep friendships with people so i dont damage them once i put so much effort into it and take relationships lightly so i wont overreact. the effect of trauma is really scary because it affects the way a person thinks and even now i have no clue whether im thinking rationally. i thought i was healing nicely a few months ago but from what happened recently i cant really say so anymore. i dont really know if i should distance myself from people so i dont hurt them or if i should get closer to more people so i can heal.

people always tell me im nice, that im genuine and that i have a good heart but theres a side that doesnt really come up as much from me where i have a lot of bad traits due to what happened to me in the past. in reality i can be really insecure, toxic, irrational, impulsive, and depressed because of how emotionally damaged i am and that leads me to unintentionally hurt people even who are close to me. i dont want to be two sided where its like, "dont get on my bad side and you're all good", i just want to be someone who helps other people and knows how to handle situations with good judgement. i feel like i have good judgement when im thinking rationally; it's just i dont think rationally a good portion of the time because there are a lot of things that bring out the bad side of me.

i think im going to talk to the friend and tell them that i dont want to hurt them anymore because they have been through a lot as well. i want to get better for the people around me, so i want to improve as a person and have good character; maybe through therapy. but for now, it feels like a pressing weight on my shoulders and i havent been able to function for the past few days because of it. im just really sad rn and id like advice if possible on this

Also update on this: I didn't end up getting therapy (yet) but I feel a lot better about things in my life. I didn't end up talking to that friend anymore after that situation but I'm honestly okay with it; I don't feel like our relationship was that healthy because of the types of people we are and a lot of things were misunderstood. I made a few new friends recently too and I'm trying to take things slower this time and communicate better with them. I'm still looking for therapy options to be safe, but my mental health is a lot better since I've been trying to work on myself as well as taking care of some of the new relationships I've formed and doing things I enjoy. Unlike previously, my validation and self confidence is starting to come from myself, and my emotion control has gotten a lot better.

I also wanted to make this post to share certain things that I think helps with good mental health in general. I'm sorry if I come off the wrong way in any shape or form, but these are my personal values which I try to use in my own life and feel are helpful values to have in general. Dice's post was really good and I want to add to it:

Identify the problem and possible solutions: It's important to know what a person is dealing with in terms of mental illness and how to get help for it. For example, therapy is always a good option to treat depression and it's the first step to healing in a lot of scenarios. It's also really helpful to have a willingness to change; it's hard to improve simply by going to a therapists option and telling them to make a person better, the person should put in effort at the same time. Remember that sometimes, you need to see the other side of things in order to see where you need to improve which includes that you may have not acted the best way in the past.

Recognize that you have self worth: This is really hard to do at the darkest times of life but everyone has worth. Everyone has redeemable qualities that make them good people. If you're feeling really down and questioning whether or not you matter to anyone, try to think about times in your life where someone valued your presence. Maybe you helped someone at work today and they were very pleased, or you put an end to a horrible week for your friend by complimenting them on their fashion. The bottom line is that there are times when we doubt how much we really mean to other people, but there are many people who see the good in us and care about us. People like your family and friends all love you and associate with you for a good reason.

Reach out to other people for help: Much like the previous point, your friends and family are there to support you when you're down. Don't feel guilty about asking them for emotional support because at the end of the day, they love you for a good reason and hate to see you suffer. Human beings are meant to support and care about one another. Additionally, showing that you're hurting isn't showing that you're weak at all. Everyone feels sad, everyone has points in their life when they need someone else to take them out for dinner and talk, or simply just give them a hug to make them feel better. This is especially important when addressing toxic masculinity. You shouldn't feel inclined to show that you're an emotionless machine that feels nothing but the need to be strong just because you're male. Men hurt too, and that's okay.

Remind yourself that it always gets better: There are times in life where things get really dire and it feels like the situation will never get better. However, the truth is that getting better takes small, small steps. Emotional wounds heal slowly but surely, and life moves on. More relationships form, more opportunities arise, and you discover more about yourself as you grow and mature. Doing self fulfilling things helps with moving on with the situation at hand; it might be extremely painful at first but it will take your mind off things and help things improve over time.

Do self fulfilling things: Doing things that you love takes your mind off of the aspects of life that you're struggling in and helps you feel better. Maybe your friend wants to play some Mario Kart this Friday night. Maybe you haven't been drawing as much recently and it's time to pick up the stylus again. Even doing things like going out on walks, working out, eating a more healthy diet and looking at fashion options help a ton in terms of improving your mental health, bit by bit, until you're finally beginning to improve or move on. Like dice said, it can be hard sometimes to break the cycle of depression and the lack of motivation that stems from it, but improvement always happens little by little, so it might be useful to push yourself to engage in a few positive activities at first. Making a schedule is great for this; it helps your mind "force" your body to engage in positive activities at certain times. Last but not least, Pokemon is a game that can be very emotionally taxing. Try to draw boundaries so that it won't affect your wellbeing and take breaks when needed. After all, this game is simply another video game that should be played for fun, and it's important to treat it like that.

Suicide is never the answer: Last but definitely not least, suicide is never the best solution to your problems. Suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problems; you cannot take back your life once you lose it and many of the other opportunities that it would have given you. Try to remind yourself that life always gets better, try to identify the root of the problem, and look for ways to improve. Do whatever that is necessary to make yourself feel better, including relying on your loved ones and doing things you enjoy. The suicide prevention hotline is there for support as well, even though you may not know these people personally, the hotline is there for people like you because your life has meaning, is worth saving, and you've simply hit a low that you need some love to get out of.

I hope these things to remember helps you guys or anyone else who is struggling with mental health. Also my discord is always open if anyone wants to talk at tarolover#0215.

 

[antemortem]

tbh now that rihanna is pregnant i feel way braver about the whole process, but unlike rihanna i don't have my shit together so !!!!

after reading this i had to say that Rihanna “having her shit together” is a total purposeful illusion! i’m sure you’re aware of this, and she’s in her mid-late 30s at this point so she’s definitely getting closer as she ages, but what social media and the press present as her image doesn’t necessarily give us all of the nuanced details about her life. what Forbes reports as her income isn’t a consummate report of how that money affects her. she might be bringing a child into a tumultuous life of always having to life up to her mother’s legacy, do exceptional things because of what her mother has laid out for her, etc. but we would have no idea what things are like behind closed doors.

have that child even if you don’t feel like your shit is together, because nobody’s shit is ever completely together!

also paulette is precious (Legally Blonde vibes)

So honestly I'm not here to say "dw every1 is different" or "you're not just a grade, dw" because it'd be clearly dismissing your situation, but one thing u could do is try to find something u like, it doesn't have to be something ur rly good at, just something u enjoy n that also makes u feel good, it probably doesn't help short-term, but it's eventually helpful when u find what u enjoy doing and that can even help w grades and stuff (school system ain't good rly so I can't assure tho, but what I can assure is that you'll feel much better).
Stay safe! Also I know I shouldn't be writing at 12am but it 100% was worth it (also toxic positivism is rly ass, I know, as I have to deal w it every day).

i think this is a great suggestion, and the note on toxic positivism is so true… but i usually reserve that judgement for people that have turned positivity into ammunition or totally ignore and invalidate your feelings at the same time they’re trying to “motivate” you. in those instances, i’ve been made to feel as though my qualms don’t matter. i feel like your recommendation for Violet is thoughtful and not at all broaching toxic territory, personally

 

[DuGuo]

I don't know why or whether I may have the mental wellness problems. But I'm in a bad mood and want to post here.

It seems that a long time has passed for me to live in this repressive atmosphere. In the two years of the epidemic, I lost many friends and completed my three-year study in muddle along without an aim. They are either real or online, but they are all people who are important to me.

I deceived myself into becoming numb and temporarily escaping from reality. Until now, I finally completed this period of study. Maybe it's my problem. I always hurt them in some ways. Although I try my best to remedy it, unfortunately, it's always useless. At the same time, I also failed in various places, such as Pokemon, such as exams. I'm always depressed, but no one can let me talk with. I'm a little tired of talking to others happily, because I don't know whether it's me pretending or true, which makes me a little unaware of myself. By the way, I think I'm looking forward to receiving a response from others? Maybe.

It's too late for me now, it's time to stop. Thank you for reading, have a good day. This post is my improvisation. There may be many mistakes. I'm sorry:) I think I'll look forward to your reply and reply if I have the chance.

Edit: I am sure that my friends won't see this, at least i wish.

 

[az]

For any mentally ill person reading this thread, here's how I've stayed alive for 25 years: you have to change to feel better. The onus is on you to be happy.

There are days where you can't, where brushing your teeth and eating applesauce is an achievement to be lauded. But on other days, where you have an iota of energy to muster, you have to do something.

Start small. Micro-movements can cause huge shifts over time. Stretch, do yoga, go on a walk, or work out a couple times a week and slowly incorporate it into your routine. Begin a journal, invest in that hobby you have had a cursory interest in but never delved into, or perhaps work on a meditative practice. Depression often stems from not having an avenue to expel your woes. If you're devastatingly ill, consider therapy, medication, and a doctor's visit and work with a professional to feel better.

Mental illness, in mine and others' experiences, is cyclical. At times, the lethargy feels unreal, the intrusive thoughts are inescapable, and it's a total fucking load of shit being in my body. And that feeling always passes. And then I feel like a capable human being able to conquer every task doled out to me. And that feeling always passes. It's a ceaseless ebb and flow that, after years of practice, I haven't mastered, but I've been able to raft the mazy waters with greater ease.

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The thing I have learned about this website is that it is a hub of depressed people. People who often put down others just to get an emotional spike to escape their own person. People who are often rejected from their own communities and social circles in real life that desperately cling onto internet clout as an escapism. If you want to feel better—and my own experiences agree with this—and you are incredibly depressed: I implore you to get far, far away from the vestibule of public Smogon communities. Find your group of people, forge that community, and accept that this is not a space for proper human engagement. You can still derive joy from it while accepting that sad reality.

Finally, I have realized throughout the years that there is no perfect identifier for mental illness. I experienced, and witness often, the need for depressive materialism: a holistic diagnosis of why you are the way you are. More and more micro-identities have formed surrounding mental illness (and really, everything), and I believe that accepting there is no real answer is the path forward. We are all fucked up in a bunch of ways. Childhood trauma is part and parcel to living in this world, and you experienced it. Tapping into your body and soul, more and more, will parse out why you are the way you are. Depression is real, but mental illnesses at large are manufactured taxonomies which lack so much nuance. They don't explain your person, they just recognize a pattern of symptoms, many of which don't fit together nicely in a bundle. And often, my own symptoms shift from day to day, mood to mood, hour to hour.

Yes, people will get tired of your shit if you're depressed and don't make an effort to better yourself. It's boring. You lose people. That's part of life. And that should be a motivation to get better. Depressed people are unintentionally selfish so often.

Yes, systemic barriers are real. I am a disabled person and have been privy to loads of ableism. You can't magically think away racism, homo/transphobia, etc. that you experience.

But if you dive into despair, you're missing so much beauty bound within the world. The potential for creation. The potential for community and making the world a better place for yourself and others. And, of course, the potential to be happy. If you don't make small steps, you won't get anywhere.

this post Ownz.

 

[antemortem]

I don't know why or whether I may have the mental wellness problems. But I'm in a bad mood and want to post here.

I'm a little tired of talking to others happily, because I don't know whether it's me pretending or true, which makes me a little unaware of myself. By the way, I think I'm looking forward to receiving a response from others? Maybe.

am i right in assuming you’re trying to figure out if it’s worthwhile for you to act a certain way when talking to some of your friends, even if you don’t explicitly feel this way?

I accidentally pressed reply like a dumbass when I was 40% done through what I wanted to say here but yeah that's about where I should stop typing to avoid needless details. Ty for reading, and remember to take care of yourself.

in transparency, i removed/further pushed the trigger warning on this post; that being said, i’m grateful you’re here and can share this retrospective as the person you are now.

 

[DuGuo]

am i right in assuming you’re trying to figure out if it’s worthwhile for you to act a certain way when talking to some of your friends, even if you don’t explicitly feel this way?

I thought about it carefully for a period of time. You should be right.

Here are some new things I want to say. Recently, a friend who has left me told me that he thought I was very evasive. I just pile up the difficult things and choose to escape. This made me lose many friends. Of course I know escape is wrong, but I've been running away. I think i just run away and paralyze myself.
I succeeded in the exam mentioned in my last post, which at least gave me some comfort. After I work, I want to engage in research, which should keep me away from those things, lol.
Btw, recently, I have been very fond of reading literary works, and I have empathy with them, which makes me understand everything around me more to a certain extent. I don't know what I said. Thank you for reading. Please take care of yourself.

 

[mushamu]

Here are some new things I want to say. Recently, a friend who has left me told me that he thought I was very evasive. I just pile up the difficult things and choose to escape. This made me lose many friends. Of course I know escape is wrong, but I've been running away. I think i just run away and paralyze myself.

It's probably a good idea to look into therapy based on this. Therapy would help a lot with maintaining relationships as well as a healthy lifestyle and better coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms in particular is something that's really important here for picking yourself back up after hardships. I wish you luck with everything regardless!

hey im posting a situation ive been going through to see whether or not anyone has felt the same

basically i figured out due to recent events that im an incredibly toxic person; its not really my own fault that much but its because of certain things that have happened to me in the past. but i realized its done things to be like having me constantly need validation, become easily frustrated or emotional when something happens, and im overly sensitive especially when someone hits a trauma trigger which there are many. ive realized im really emotionally damaged and insecure

i ended up hurting someone recently because i responded badly to them with a kneejerk reaction. they wanted to change things in our friendship but i took it as they really didnt like me and want to talk to me anymore and i hurt them by telling them by instantly saying we needed to cut things off, which made them feel attacked. they were one of my best friends too and we're no longer on talking terms. im hurting right now a lot because i feel like i really didnt analyze the situation that well; i just instantly reacted with cutting someone off because in my head, i hated the idea that someone might be displeased with me and that caused me to behave irrationally. this is not ok, i shouldnt do this for obvious reasons and i want to be able to think rationally.

i really think i should stop having really deep connections to people because i feel like i will come off the wrong way and hurt them. i dont want someone to feel like im their friend and then if they set me off im suddenly cold and distant to them. i want to stop having really deep friendships with people so i dont damage them once i put so much effort into it and take relationships lightly so i wont overreact. the effect of trauma is really scary because it affects the way a person thinks and even now i have no clue whether im thinking rationally. i thought i was healing nicely a few months ago but from what happened recently i cant really say so anymore. i dont really know if i should distance myself from people so i dont hurt them or if i should get closer to more people so i can heal.

people always tell me im nice, that im genuine and that i have a good heart but theres a side that doesnt really come up as much from me where i have a lot of bad traits due to what happened to me in the past. in reality i can be really insecure, toxic, irrational, impulsive, and depressed because of how emotionally damaged i am and that leads me to unintentionally hurt people even who are close to me. i dont want to be two sided where its like, "dont get on my bad side and you're all good", i just want to be someone who helps other people and knows how to handle situations with good judgement. i feel like i have good judgement when im thinking rationally; it's just i dont think rationally a good portion of the time because there are a lot of things that bring out the bad side of me.

i think im going to talk to the friend and tell them that i dont want to hurt them anymore because they have been through a lot as well. i want to get better for the people around me, so i want to improve as a person and have good character; maybe through therapy. but for now, it feels like a pressing weight on my shoulders and i havent been able to function for the past few days because of it. im just really sad rn and id like advice if possible on this

Also I recently started therapy that is weekly for one hour and wanted to say I think I'm a lot better. I recovered from the incident slowly, and despite losing the friend I got a lot of other friends in the process in my psychology class and clubs from college. I have a good friend and support group now and it makes me feel safe. I've been doing a good job of maintaining those relationships by respecting boundaries and communicating respectfully so it's great. Going to the gym, focusing on my personal interests like drawing, art, and hanging out with friends is what I've been doing in my spare time, and I got onto the board for the art club at my school. I really want to help it grow since it's a smaller, community college type of club without a lot of regulars, but I believe that it can be a great place to share a passion for art and hang out.

My social anxiety and anxiety in general has gotten a bit better. It was pretty funny last session because I was explaining to my therapist a situation I was worried in and how it turned out all right after I convinced myself that there was nothing to be afraid of, and he basically just laughed in a friendly way and was like "Well it seems like a lot of the time you know what's the best for you even though you're trying to convince yourself otherwise." I guess that's what anxiety is to me, like when you're about to skydive and you're looking down while being terrified; you don't want to jump because you're afraid. But then you make the leap of faith and everything turns out amazing when you get to see the view. I'm still working on my anxiety since it does impact my personal relationships a lot and my self confidence, but both of those aspects have improved. As for social anxiety, I've tried to be more social even though as an introvert but I like it so far; I've met a lot of good people in my real life classes by just being friendly and reaching out and it's paid off. My speaking still sucks but speech therapy exists for that LOL

All in all I'm really happy in terms of where I am right now. I've battled depression for my whole life until this year and I'm proud to have made a lot of changes to my life and had them pay off. I've always thought that I was useless, not valued, untalented, and ugly when I grew up and a lot of it is because of emotional abuse, and having that change this year is like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, even if I'm not quite there yet. This is the first time I've felt good about myself, who I am, and been comfortable in my own skin. I don't think I'm mature enough for intense emotional relationships as of now, especially romantically, but I think I'm on the right track. I was a pretty shitty person a few months ago in the way I dealt with relationships and stress but I'm trying to move on from that and be better. Just wanted to share my progress because I feel a lot better, thank you for reading and don't forget that life is all about moving forward :)

 

[Ktütverde]

I don't know why or whether I may have the mental wellness problems. But I'm in a bad mood and want to post here.

It seems that a long time has passed for me to live in this repressive atmosphere. In the two years of the epidemic, I lost many friends and completed my three-year study in muddle along without an aim. They are either real or online, but they are all people who are important to me.

I deceived myself into becoming numb and temporarily escaping from reality. Until now, I finally completed this period of study. Maybe it's my problem. I always hurt them in some ways. Although I try my best to remedy it, unfortunately, it's always useless. At the same time, I also failed in various places, such as Pokemon, such as exams. I'm always depressed, but no one can let me talk with. I'm a little tired of talking to others happily, because I don't know whether it's me pretending or true, which makes me a little unaware of myself. By the way, I think I'm looking forward to receiving a response from others? Maybe.

It's too late for me now, it's time to stop. Thank you for reading, have a good day. This post is my improvisation. There may be many mistakes. I'm sorry:) I think I'll look forward to your reply and reply if I have the chance.

Edit: I am sure that my friends won't see this, at least i wish.

Hey ! I think I can in some way relate to you since I have for a moment used mons to escape from reality and lost most of my friends during my depression but at the end of the day, we didn't have anything very relevant to tell each other, so that may be for better. I want to say that I don't believe one has to choose between playing mons or quitting mons, I'll come back to this at the end of the post. Life is never so simple. I did go through one or two phases of "if life is painful, then it's all my fault and I have to change things, so no more mons, more exercise, less this, more that" etc. It definitely didn't work for me. I don't know how it is for you, but be indulgent with yourself. If you are still battling depression, just take it very cool, step by step. The one and only thing I needed, and maybe it can be the same for you, is gain confidence. How I did that ? Well, I suck, it took me maybe 2 years to find a viable way of... living. What it means for me :

- do exercise. My back aches permanently and after talking to my psychiatrist he agreed on it being one of the possible causes of my depression and poor mental state. So I tried to go to the gym, but I just didnt feel like going there, I dont like places with people and don't like how artificial all this machines look (do animals need that stuff to be so strong?). I took a book about physical exercise at home, but it was too complicated, too many exercises, and it almost made me more depressed since I feared the two days of the week I'd have to exercise. Finally (one year later) I said fuck it and found 4-5 exercises that looked fine and spent one hour a week doing them, then more, and I felt much better. I dont tell anyone I exercise bc 1) why would they care 2) I don't need "you should try 3-4 hours per week at the gym for it to be useful" stupid comments. I do enough to alleviate my pain, but not too much to not lose motivation. (Naturally, you start doing more without realizing it though so it's perfect).

- play music. I know, the moment where you have to take on something new, it feels impossible, (btw I absolutely dont want anyone to read this and think you should play music : I wanted to do that, but if you are more into speaking a foreign language, drawing, cooking, whatever it's just as fine). I just know I feel calm when listening to music, and really wanted to play Pokémon and Zelda songs because I keep humming them, so I asked my mom a piano, got a beginner's piano book and practiced. However... I started playing 1 hour every day, and I started dreading my self-lessons. I quickly quit. After a year or so, I started again with only 20minutes 5 days a week only. Felt much better.

In my experience, the problem with depression is that you dont have energy for nothing, while society, books and movies (especially manga) and SCHOOL make you believe that progress happens if you work very hard (classes last 2hours jesus christ it's too much). Bullshit. Bullshit. Looks badass like a samurai, but it's not effective. Tell anyone you do 30mins of exercise a week, or that you play 20mins of piano a day, and they may tell you "that's easy it's not work", or they may think it. But then you count : 20+20+20+20+20 per week, for 52 weeks, for X years... That's HUGE.

I am certain now that not seeing this before let me stuck in depression. Quitting my former studies to start something I enjoyed helped a lot, if you don't find an environment that suits you decently you will never be totally fine, don't get me wrong, but this simple, ridiculously obvious concept of just taking it easy literally (which doesn't mean being lazy at all), I wish I'd have understood it before. Get a 10-minute walk, go running for 15minutes, play music for 20mins, whatever, but stick to your schedule, no escaping, or you will just stop doing it ("too tired today" etc). It's so simple that it doesn't look serious right, how can it work?

Well, I started drawing faces two weeks ago (I might never do it, but I want to one day try to draw a short manga or comic like Calvin&Hobbes). I told myself to only use 1 sheet of paper every day, and to draw for max 30mins. I kept the 14 sheets. It's not super noticeable, but I can see progress, eyes start to actually be in the right place, the forehead is finally wide enough... If you can keep track of your progress, it's really rewarding. Imagine after one year, you can say "look, this is me drawing (or anything else) one year ago, and this is me now. I'm so glad I took the first step !".

As far as I'm concerned, I stopped having fear of never achieving anything. 20 or 30mins a day of something you like, with no excuses, and then if you want you can spend the rest of the day playing mons, you'll feel good because you will have worked a bit on something. I'd suggest this to anyone who is in the same place I have been, instead of quitting mons or anything "unproductive" to focus on work, self-improvement etc. Have high expectations and you will fail, and a depressed person should have the lowest expectations, because when you are depressed you can barely move out of your bed and every step feels too heavy.

The biggest difficuly is to spot when you are being lazy and when you are pushing yourself a bit too much. My comparison would be PS! ladders. The moment you start being tilted and getting salty, you have played too much. If you feel a bit like that after, say, 45mins of learning a new language (or anything else you fancy), then you should realize it and only do 30mins next time. If you try to do round numbers like "1h every day" or worse "2h every day", well that's clean! but you might give up and feel even more depressed fairly quickly.

If you can't do it, nobody can. Remember that. Some people are exceptional, but that's what they are, exceptions. Shonen manga did get one thing very right : you can be shit and weak, but if you have some faith and a lot of patience, you will achieve what you want. And remember that if so many of us need to escape reality, it's because there might be a good reason to do so. But at the end of the day, living in a house is escaping the reality of nature. I don't think having a bed to sleep in is unhealthy right ? So I'd say that escaping society is fine too, as long as it remains healthy and not systematic. Just find the right balance. I have a single word to describe someone who never escapes reality : madness. Look at the starry sky and try to think about your place in the universe, and you will quickly run back to your house to talk about it to strangers on the internet. That's healthy. What is unhealthy is being unable to even look at the sky. Apply the same reasoning to society when life is too hard. I hope my analogy makes sense.

Great video to start doing things (the key to escape depression imo) :

TL;DR: if at the moment you spend all your free time playing mons, start spending all your free time minus twenty minutes playing mons. You will quickly start feeling better and achieve something. Soon you may be spending all your free time working on something you like minus twenty minutes spent on mons.
TL;DR: of the TL;DR: take it easy, very easy, I mean it. Start doing things gradually.

Cheers from France !

 

[DuGuo]

It's probably a good idea to look into therapy based on this. Therapy would help a lot with maintaining relationships as well as a healthy lifestyle and better coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms in particular is something that's really important here for picking yourself back up after hardships. I wish you luck with everything regardless!

Thank you very much, same blessing to you.

Hey ! I think I can in some way relate to you since I have for a moment used mons to escape from reality and lost most of my friends during my depression but at the end of the day, we didn't have anything very relevant to tell each other, so that may be for better. I want to say that I don't believe one has to choose between playing mons or quitting mons, I'll come back to this at the end of the post. Life is never so simple. I did go through one or two phases of "if life is painful, then it's all my fault and I have to change things, so no more mons, more exercise, less this, more that" etc. It definitely didn't work for me. I don't know how it is for you, but be indulgent with yourself. If you are still battling depression, just take it very cool, step by step. The one and only thing I needed, and maybe it can be the same for you, is gain confidence. How I did that ? Well, I suck, it took me maybe 2 years to find a viable way of... living. What it means for me :

- do exercise. My back aches permanently and after talking to my psychiatrist he agreed on it being one of the possible causes of my depression and poor mental state. So I tried to go to the gym, but I just didnt feel like going there, I dont like places with people and don't like how artificial all this machines look (do animals need that stuff to be so strong?). I took a book about physical exercise at home, but it was too complicated, too many exercises, and it almost made me more depressed since I feared the two days of the week I'd have to exercise. Finally (one year later) I said fuck it and found 4-5 exercises that looked fine and spent one hour a week doing them, then more, and I felt much better. I dont tell anyone I exercise bc 1) why would they care 2) I don't need "you should try 3-4 hours per week at the gym for it to be useful" stupid comments. I do enough to alleviate my pain, but not too much to not lose motivation. (Naturally, you start doing more without realizing it though so it's perfect).

- play music. I know, the moment where you have to take on something new, it feels impossible, (btw I absolutely dont want anyone to read this and think you should play music : I wanted to do that, but if you are more into speaking a foreign language, drawing, cooking, whatever it's just as fine). I just know I feel calm when listening to music, and really wanted to play Pokémon and Zelda songs because I keep humming them, so I asked my mom a piano, got a beginner's piano book and practiced. However... I started playing 1 hour every day, and I started dreading my self-lessons. I quickly quit. After a year or so, I started again with only 20minutes 5 days a week only. Felt much better.

In my experience, the problem with depression is that you dont have energy for nothing, while society, books and movies (especially manga) and SCHOOL make you believe that progress happens if you work very hard (classes last 2hours jesus christ it's too much). Bullshit. Bullshit. Looks badass like a samurai, but it's not effective. Tell anyone you do 30mins of exercise a week, or that you play 20mins of piano a day, and they may tell you "that's easy it's not work", or they may think it. But then you count : 20+20+20+20+20 per week, for 52 weeks, for X years... That's HUGE.

I am certain now that not seeing this before let me stuck in depression. Quitting my former studies to start something I enjoyed helped a lot, if you don't find an environment that suits you decently you will never be totally fine, don't get me wrong, but this simple, ridiculously obvious concept of just taking it easy literally (which doesn't mean being lazy at all), I wish I'd have understood it before. Get a 10-minute walk, go running for 15minutes, play music for 20mins, whatever, but stick to your schedule, no escaping, or you will just stop doing it ("too tired today" etc). It's so simple that it doesn't look serious right, how can it work?

Well, I started drawing faces two weeks ago (I might never do it, but I want to one day try to draw a short manga or comic like Calvin&Hobbes). I told myself to only use 1 sheet of paper every day, and to draw for max 30mins. I kept the 14 sheets. It's not super noticeable, but I can see progress, eyes start to actually be in the right place, the forehead is finally wide enough... If you can keep track of your progress, it's really rewarding. Imagine after one year, you can say "look, this is me drawing (or anything else) one year ago, and this is me now. I'm so glad I took the first step !".

As far as I'm concerned, I stopped having fear of never achieving anything. 20 or 30mins a day of something you like, with no excuses, and then if you want you can spend the rest of the day playing mons, you'll feel good because you will have worked a bit on something. I'd suggest this to anyone who is in the same place I have been, instead of quitting mons or anything "unproductive" to focus on work, self-improvement etc. Have high expectations and you will fail, and a depressed person should have the lowest expectations, because when you are depressed you can barely move out of your bed and every step feels too heavy.

The biggest difficuly is to spot when you are being lazy and when you are pushing yourself a bit too much. My comparison would be PS! ladders. The moment you start being tilted and getting salty, you have played too much. If you feel a bit like that after, say, 45mins of learning a new language (or anything else you fancy), then you should realize it and only do 30mins next time. If you try to do round numbers like "1h every day" or worse "2h every day", well that's clean! but you might give up and feel even more depressed fairly quickly.

If you can't do it, nobody can. Remember that. Some people are exceptional, but that's what they are, exceptions. Shonen manga did get one thing very right : you can be shit and weak, but if you have some faith and a lot of patience, you will achieve what you want. And remember that if so many of us need to escape reality, it's because there might be a good reason to do so. But at the end of the day, living in a house is escaping the reality of nature. I don't think having a bed to sleep in is unhealthy right ? So I'd say that escaping society is fine too, as long as it remains healthy and not systematic. Just find the right balance. I have a single word to describe someone who never escapes reality : madness. Look at the starry sky and try to think about your place in the universe, and you will quickly run back to your house to talk about it to strangers on the internet. That's healthy. What is unhealthy is being unable to even look at the sky. Apply the same reasoning to society when life is too hard. I hope my analogy makes sense.

Great video to start doing things (the key to escape depression imo) :


TL;DR: if at the moment you spend all your free time playing mons, start spending all your free time minus twenty minutes playing mons. You will quickly start feeling better and achieve something. Soon you may be spending all your free time working on something you like minus twenty minutes spent on mons.
TL;DR: of the TL;DR: take it easy, very easy, I mean it. Start doing things gradually.

Cheers from France !

Thank you so much for sharing your experience for me, it seems to be very helpful to me. Just recently I ended most of my leagues and plan to focus only a small amount on mons in the future. Maybe it would also be fun for me to try something new? Hope I can actually get something out of it.

Actually I've always been interested in writing novels/singing/painting. Based on my current learning environment, I decided to try them after I officially graduated from my current school. That should appeal to me.

I don't even know what to say lol. Maybe this post is just thanks. My question may be more oriented - I'm too focused on getting recognition/gaining understanding. Too much regard for others, too little regard for oneself. Maybe I'm not very good at expressing my emotions and get frustrated when I get less than the pay in a relationship.

well, What I wrote was really confusing lol, all in all thanks and good luck!

Cheers from China!

will try what u say in the future

 

[bdt2002]

I'm going to post here again, too, because I find myself unable to understand the extreme complexity of anything that goes through my head anymore. The past 24 hours was... very rough, to put it lightly. Things look fine on the surface, but in reality, I'm lost and afraid. I don't know what all might happen in the future, and I'm not sure what paths I should take in life from this point on. Even the smallest things have been enough to set off my anxiety triggers, and from there, every day seems the exact same. Wake up, get ready, go to class, get sad about something during class (usually it will be one of the lecture topics), go back to my room, be sad, sleep, repeat. If I had the ability to turn off the hyperactivity in my brain, I would. Believe me. But that's just not possible. I love being the unique person that I am, but it shows that I'd rather not be around at all than not be someone I'm not when events progress the ways they have. I already skip student activities on a regular basis, and God forbid we have a group night here in this dorm hall.

The truth is... I need help. Admitting we need help is the first step to fixing any problem. I've been in this mindset for about two years now, leaning towards three, and during that time span I've only ever felt worse about myself and my lack of opportunity and action. There's no way I'm ever going to be in a successful relationship, or be able to drive on my own. I don't see how I'm going to be able to finish out college without having a mental breakdown. I'd like to think that there are solutions to my multitude of problems, but it's even harder to think positive when the only thing college will ever care about is how much money you give them and how compliant you are of the morals and ethics around you. Quitting college isn't an option either, though, because then I'll have disobeyed the desires of my family and lost any of the progress I have made in my life.

I don't know what I need. Help, maybe. But I feel like this is something more.

 

[Fishy]

I'm going to post here again, too, because I find myself unable to understand the extreme complexity of anything that goes through my head anymore. The past 24 hours was... very rough, to put it lightly. Things look fine on the surface, but in reality, I'm lost and afraid. I don't know what all might happen in the future, and I'm not sure what paths I should take in life from this point on. Even the smallest things have been enough to set off my anxiety triggers, and from there, every day seems the exact same. Wake up, get ready, go to class, get sad about something during class (usually it will be one of the lecture topics), go back to my room, be sad, sleep, repeat. If I had the ability to turn off the hyperactivity in my brain, I would. Believe me. But that's just not possible. I love being the unique person that I am, but it shows that I'd rather not be around at all than not be someone I'm not when events progress the ways they have. I already skip student activities on a regular basis, and God forbid we have a group night here in this dorm hall.

The truth is... I need help. Admitting we need help is the first step to fixing any problem. I've been in this mindset for about two years now, leaning towards three, and during that time span I've only ever felt worse about myself and my lack of opportunity and action. There's no way I'm ever going to be in a successful relationship, or be able to drive on my own. I don't see how I'm going to be able to finish out college without having a mental breakdown. I'd like to think that there are solutions to my multitude of problems, but it's even harder to think positive when the only thing college will ever care about is how much money you give them and how compliant you are of the morals and ethics around you. Quitting college isn't an option either, though, because then I'll have disobeyed the desires of my family and lost any of the progress I have made in my life.

I don't know what I need. Help, maybe. But I feel like this is something more.

because i am but a stranger on a forum, my best advice for something you can start doing NOW is to attempt to change your routine. you may have to continue waking up, getting ready for class, going to class, leaving, and feeling glum, but perhaps you haven't thought that you deserve a break from your monotony in a way you absolutely enjoy. i have no idea what that might be, as i can't assume what small pleasures one person clings to against the rest of reality, but maybe you've forgotten that you're allowed to indulge yourself even in the quest for self-actualization. being responsible includes being responsible for your happiness, because nothing else is even an iota worth the trouble if you aren't finding satisfaction day to day

 

[antemortem]

Great video to start doing things (the key to escape depression imo) :

TL;DR: if at the moment you spend all your free time playing mons, start spending all your free time minus twenty minutes playing mons. You will quickly start feeling better and achieve something. Soon you may be spending all your free time working on something you like minus twenty minutes spent on mons.
TL;DR: of the TL;DR: take it easy, very easy, I mean it. Start doing things gradually.

Cheers from France !

I’m the last to project what I think is a foolproof bridge to mental wellness with regards to diagnosed conditions like depression. But I love this tool and use it pretty often in my daily life. Otherwise I would leave small maintenance tasks left undone because they seem the most difficult/trite to knock off the list.

In reality, nailing those first clears up mental space for me and opens up the possibility for a work flow to begin which feels fucking amazing tbh

 

[Ktütverde]

I'm going to post here again, too, because I find myself unable to understand the extreme complexity of anything that goes through my head anymore. The past 24 hours was... very rough, to put it lightly. Things look fine on the surface, but in reality, I'm lost and afraid. I don't know what all might happen in the future, and I'm not sure what paths I should take in life from this point on. Even the smallest things have been enough to set off my anxiety triggers, and from there, every day seems the exact same. Wake up, get ready, go to class, get sad about something during class (usually it will be one of the lecture topics), go back to my room, be sad, sleep, repeat. If I had the ability to turn off the hyperactivity in my brain, I would. Believe me. But that's just not possible. I love being the unique person that I am, but it shows that I'd rather not be around at all than not be someone I'm not when events progress the ways they have. I already skip student activities on a regular basis, and God forbid we have a group night here in this dorm hall.

The truth is... I need help. Admitting we need help is the first step to fixing any problem. I've been in this mindset for about two years now, leaning towards three, and during that time span I've only ever felt worse about myself and my lack of opportunity and action. There's no way I'm ever going to be in a successful relationship, or be able to drive on my own. I don't see how I'm going to be able to finish out college without having a mental breakdown. I'd like to think that there are solutions to my multitude of problems, but it's even harder to think positive when the only thing college will ever care about is how much money you give them and how compliant you are of the morals and ethics around you. Quitting college isn't an option either, though, because then I'll have disobeyed the desires of my family and lost any of the progress I have made in my life.

I don't know what I need. Help, maybe. But I feel like this is something more.

If you are in a scenario where you are doing studies that you dont like because your family implicitly or explicitly expected you and still expects you to do it, it must be hard (my family is not like that tbh). Is there anything you want to do, different studies, starting a business, travelling, something else ? If that's the case, my best advice is to... not do it (yet) : just start thinking about it, and talk about it to friends or people you trust and who won't judge. I say don't do it because it's easy when you are sad or depressed to quit something impulsively, and that can be a bad idea. Anything done impulsively is usually bad anyway. If you are close to finishing your studies, or to get a certificate worth having in your resume/CV, go for it if you have the energy. If it's at the cost of your health, I would say don't.

"There's no way I'm ever going to be in a successful relationship, or be able to drive on my own." Nope. Wrong. That's the sick part of your mind who's saying that. Depression sort of consists of having thoughts like this all day that you can't get rid of, and you know what ? Depression is a sickness, not a natural state of the mind. Remember that : it's a sickness. These thoughts are corrupted thoughts. Ignore them. You only need confidence, so you can probably look at the post I made a week or so ago talking about that. If you can't do anything you like and that you are proud of, you won't feel confident. If like a lot of us you have been through years of "day: boring studies - evening : videogames or reading or netflix" , these thoughts are normal. You're not doing or learning anything you enjoy, why would you feel good about yourself ? Feeling good about having a passive life would be surprising no ? The misconception is to think that you need to feel good about yourself to be able to do something you like. It's the other way.

Don't listen to sick thoughts. Listen to the positive ones, even if you don't have many at the moment.

Cheers from France !